| Please check my essay! Thank you | an integrated essay. (please correct it) |
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 #1 (permalink) Mon Feb 06, 2012 20:34 pm Building a new high school in your community. |
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Hi
I prepare for the TOEFL. Please check my essay.I would be very appreciated.
It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your community. Do you support oppose this plan? Why?
I believe that it would be great idea to built a new high school in our community. It would save our time and money , avoid exhaustion ,encourage people to study.
Firstly, because of our community is a far away from the nearest city, it is a an awkward to reach the nearest school. In a way, it wastes our money, on the other hand, you consume much time to go there. In addition returning home will make you much tired .We have four classes at university at the week. So suppose that the classes have finished and you go back home. Because of there is an enough long distance between your home and university, think for a while how you would be exhausted after that. As a result you would be unwillingly to study your lessons and prepare your assignments. So unfortunately the effectiveness of the studying would be very poor. Altogether establishing a new school in our community would fix all these drawbacks.
Secondly , I am certain that setting up a new high school would inspire people to study. Almost nobody in our community is interested in studying . The main reason is that it takes much challenging to go to high school in such a long distance. As I mentioned you would spend much time and money , as well. Also most people in our community don’t have an opportunity to pay for that. So I am positive that building a new high school would fix all these issues . All things considered ,people would be eager to study there .
In conclusion, establishing a new high school in our society would make a an important point in our life. It would both save your time , on the other hand , now you wouldn’t be reluctant anymore. Moreover it would let you spending much of your time with your family. All in all, you will be the best of both worlds.
Thanks for spending your time to read my essay!
TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and a professor in the professor's office |
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 Vuqar1.618
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 18 Feb 2011
Posts: 45
Location: Azerbaijan
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| #2 (permalink) Tue Feb 07, 2012 16:04 pm Re: Building a new high school in your community. |
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Hi, you have written a pretty good essay. Please be aware that a high school is not the same as a college or university. In the US, one goes to high school after primary, or elementary school - from ages 13 to 18. After high school, some students continue on to college.
| Vuqar1.618 wrote: |
Hi
I prepare for the TOEFL. Please check my essay.I would be very appreciated.
It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your community. Do you support oppose this plan? Why?
{try to start out with a few more general statements before your thesis statement. Maybe "Schools are very important for communities. They can be the keystone which holds a neighborhood together" - then continue on with what you have written} I believe that it would be great idea to built a new high school in our community. It would save our[us] time and money , avoid exhaustion , [and] encourage people to study.
Firstly, because of our community is a far away from the nearest city, it is a an awkward{not quite right - say "difficult" or arduous"} to reach the nearest school. In a way, it wastes our money, on the other hand[since], you consume much time to go there. In addition returning home will make you much[even more] tired .We have four classes at university at the[each] week. So suppose that the classes have finished and you go back home. Because of there is an enough long distance between your home and university, think for a while how you would be exhausted [you would be] after that. As a result you would be unwillingly to study your lessons and prepare your assignments. So unfortunately the effectiveness of the studying would be very poor. Altogether establishing a new school in our community would fix all these drawbacks.
Secondly , I am certain that setting up a new high school would inspire people to study. Almost nobody in our community is interested in studying . The main reason is that it takes much challenging[more effort] to go to high school in[from] such a long distance. As I mentioned you would spend much time and money , as well.{try to keep your arguments separate} Also most people in our community don’t have an opportunity to pay for that. So I am positive that building a new high school would fix all these issues . All things considered ,people would be eager to study there .
In conclusion, establishing a new high school in our society would make a an important point[difference] in our li[ves]. It would both save your time , on the other hand[and also]{use "on the other hand" to compare two different viewpoints, not two similar reasons} , now you wouldn’t be reluctant anymore.{don't switch from
"us" to "you" - stick with one point of view} Moreover it would let you spending much of your time with your family. All in all, you will be the best of both worlds.
Thanks for spending your time to read my essay!
TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and a professor in the professor's office |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #3 (permalink) Tue Feb 07, 2012 17:42 pm Re: Building a new high school in your community. |
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| Luschen wrote: |
Hi, you have written a pretty good essay. Please be aware that a high school is not the same as a college or university. In the US, one goes to high school after primary, or elementary school - from ages 13 to 18. After high school, some students continue on to college.
| Vuqar1.618 wrote: |
Hi
I prepare for the TOEFL. Please check my essay.I would be very appreciated.
It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your community. Do you support oppose this plan? Why?
{try to start out with a few more general statements before your thesis statement. Maybe "Schools are very important for communities. They can be the keystone which holds a neighborhood together" - then continue on with what you have written} I believe that it would be great idea to built a new high school in our community. It would save our[us] time and money , avoid exhaustion , [and] encourage people to study.
Firstly, because of our community is a far away from the nearest city, it is a an awkward{not quite right - say "difficult" or arduous"} to reach the nearest school. In a way, it wastes our money, on the other hand[since], you consume much time to go there. In addition returning home will make you much[even more] tired .We have four classes at university at the[each] week. So suppose that the classes have finished and you go back home. Because of there is an enough long distance between your home and university, think for a while how you would be exhausted [you would be] after that. As a result you would be unwillingly to study your lessons and prepare your assignments. So unfortunately the effectiveness of the studying would be very poor. Altogether establishing a new school in our community would fix all these drawbacks.
Secondly , I am certain that setting up a new high school would inspire people to study. Almost nobody in our community is interested in studying . The main reason is that it takes much challenging[more effort] to go to high school in[from] such a long distance. As I mentioned you would spend much time and money , as well.{try to keep your arguments separate} Also most people in our community don’t have an opportunity to pay for that. So I am positive that building a new high school would fix all these issues . All things considered ,people would be eager to study there .
In conclusion, establishing a new high school in our society would make a an important point[difference] in our li[ves]. It would both save your time , on the other hand[and also]{use "on the other hand" to compare two different viewpoints, not two similar reasons} , now you wouldn’t be reluctant anymore.{don't switch from
"us" to "you" - stick with one point of view} Moreover it would let you spending much of your time with your family. All in all, you will be the best of both worlds.
Thanks for spending your time to read my essay!
TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and a professor in the professor's office |
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Thank you very much Luschen for your suggestions. I am very appreciated. |
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Vuqar1.618
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 18 Feb 2011
Posts: 45
Location: Azerbaijan
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| Please check my essay! Thank you | an integrated essay. (please correct it) |
