Review my essay

[Sarupa]

Hi please review my essay and let me know which are my mistakes and how can I improve...and how many score can I get for this essay

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement,
“ Some people say television has left family members unable to communicate with one another. “

Actually I do not agree with this statement. I don’t think so that television has left family members unable to communicate with another, but according to my view it is the way to come close to each other.

There are so many positive points that television can do in every family. Like all family members are sit together to watch any TV show and they can discuss about that show or what happen with each member in his or her school, office, class, etc. The second positive point is if they watch some news channel or any scientific channel they can collect general knowledge and discuss about that. It is also useful in outside to involve in group talking. They can be in contact with the world. They can also communicate with people with different talk. Television presents some comedy shows which make laugh in family. Sometimes by watching some talent show parents can recognize their children’s latent and ability. So there are so many points that prove that television can not make unable family members to communicate each other.

There are also negative point which affect family communication and also character and children’s thought like there are most of the movies presents much more violence which always hide in someone’s mind and sometime it affect family and family members go far away to each other. By cartoon channel children always have imaginary character and they try to follow them sometimes it became a big problem for parents.

So there are so many positive and negative things are related to television but if it is used appropriately then it became beneficial to keep in touch with each other and it is also become to communicate with each other and outside as well.

Thanks.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why may Martha need money?

[Luschen]

Hi Sarupa, you have written the wrong type of essay. Based on the prompt, you need to pick one side or the other and argue that, instead of showing both sides of the argument as you have done. This website does a good job of explaining the different types of TOEFL essays.

http://www.urch.com/forums/twe/12765-toefl-essay-writing-tips.html

Also, your introduction does not really have the correct format. You should start off with general statements about the subject and finish with a thesis statement stating your opinion and your reasons. This website does a good job explaining that.

http://www.bookrags.com/articles/4.html

You also had a lot of grammatical and usage errors. Based on these criteria:
http://www.ets.org/Media/Tests/TOEFL/pdf/Writing_Rubrics.pdf
I think your article as written would score a 2 out of 5. If you wrote the correct type of essay and had a better introduction, it would probably get a 3.5 out of 5.

Try writing another essay! I am sure you will improve.

[Sarupa]

Thank you so much...links that u have sent me will definitely help me...i will try to correct all my mistakes next time.