 #2 (permalink) Tue Feb 14, 2012 18:59 pm Re: I think I am going to get used to writing essay day by day. please check it.. |
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Hi, pretty good essay, Bienvenue. If it is true, that is horrible about your brother - you would think companies would want their employees to be healthy so they could work harder. Maybe you just made it up though. Remember you are always allowed to make up examples for your essay - the grader won't know or care if it is true or not!
| Bienvenue wrote: |
People used to eat more healthily in the past than they do today
Developments in the food industry seriously influence people’s health nowadays. There are various reasons[,] including fastfood{two words} habits, added substances, and careless production by factories [, which have created great dangers for people's health] extremly creat great dangerious on people’s health. That is why I agree with the statement that people used to consume [healthier food products] productions more healthily than they do in these days.{these days is sort of an idiom, so we rarely say "in these days", although "in this day and age" is common}
First, fast food is the greatest enemy of people’s healt{sp}, because it includes many harmfull{sp} substances which affect people’s health [for the worse] too much. Today, we can see many great companies producting{sp} diverse meals, particularly fast food, all over the world and these companies are famous for selling fast food to consumers. So, people eat too much and afterwards people are affected by fast food by putting on weight. For example, there are many fat people accros{sp} the USA because of the fast food production by various companies, in particular Mc Donald['s ] and Burger King. {this is good, but maybe say that fast food is high in fat and calories, which is what makes it so fattening and unhealthy}
Second, in the past, people would produce their needs[necessities] {they didn't "produce needs", they produced food that they needed} in their gardens and consume them regardless productions were good or not{this last phrase is unclear to me} , {new sentence}however, many basic needs are today produced by big companies in inorganic ways. These product[s ] are absolutely not natural, as well as they includ[ing] many added substances which harm people’s health severely. Hence this is the basic reason for many illnesses see[n ] commonly in people’s lives. As an example, my friend’s mother was often consuming these inorganic productions, before having cancer{simple past tense would work better here ... mother often consumed ... before she got cancer ...}, because there are various substances causing{"causing several" or "leading to several"} to several ilnesses.
Third, {try to add a little variety in your transitions} malnutrition is another problem for people who do not eat healthily. In the last [few] years, people [have] started out to work for companies which could not permit more[did not allow adequate break] time for people, as they are great[huge] companies and have diverse job programs in order to fulfill their aims. So, people working for them have not[do not have] adequate time to eat their meals in order. These changes related to time of meal are prominent regarding whether people eat healthily or not. For instance, my brother working[who works] for Siemens suffers from this situation, since he can not eat his meal in the [allotted] time. Therefor[e ], it leads to his malnutrition.
TOEFL listening lectures: How would you describe the results of the Viking biological experiments? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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