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Please rate my essay..thank you very much!



 
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Please check my 2nd essay | hi everybody. can you evaluate my integrated writing essay? thank you so much
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Please rate my essay..thank you very much! #1 (permalink) Fri Mar 02, 2012 11:38 am   Please rate my essay..thank you very much!
 

Please help me to find the errors. I'll appreciate it soooo much!

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

With the ever-rapid development of technology, an increasing number of new products have been applied to our daily lives, varied from personal computers to smart phones. Correspondingly, toys manufactured for children are no longer dolls and model cars. These children read books, learned about the outside world, or even played games on their computers since they were babies, instead of playing outside everyday like us when we were young. Accordingly, there is a concern that technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. However, in this discussion, I shall present arguments favoring the idea that conversely, technology has made children more innovative than ever before.

To begin with, technology provides more opportunities for them to be creative. For instance, with the development of the Internet, children now have a fantastic way to learn knowledge and communicate with others around the world. These are all foundations to be creative. To be more specific, when I was a child, all that I learn are from books and boring TV shows, while nowadays, a child can find whatever he wants to know on the Internet. Not only literal descriptions but also videos full of fun are available. More importantly, whenever he has a thought, he can talk to his friends all over the world, which encourages others to explore more about the world like him. What makes it fantastic is that he can even send an e-mail to a scientist, whom will guide him to do more than just learning the concepts. Consequently, he has a chance to find the new.

Moreover, with new technology, children are provided with more facilities to be innovative. The example is the story of a boy named Tom, who is fascinated with computers and programs since 4 years old. It is the App Store of Apple Corporation provides him the chance and software to design applications for mobile phones. Indeed, his applications are welcomed. We can also see many leaders in new technological areas are successful because many of them were appealed by new technological products and drove to learn and explore new things since young. Such a behavior fostered the habit of being curious and hence they are more creative.

To put all the things into a nutshell, technology provides paths and opportunities for children to see more about the world and to try more things they love. Conspicuously, interests and practices are bases of innovation. In this way, technology has absolutely made children more creative than they were in the past.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a science class
Aimee The Crab
New Member


Joined: 19 Jan 2012
Posts: 8

Re: Please rate my essay..thank you very much! #2 (permalink) Sat Mar 03, 2012 4:24 am   Re: Please rate my essay..thank you very much!
 

Hi, Outstanding essay. I had to try very hard to find any errors at all. Alas, I succeeded in find a few, so I would rate your essay a 4.5 out of 5.

Aimee The Crab wrote:
Please help me to find the errors. I'll appreciate it soooo much!

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

With the ever-rapid development of technology, an increasing number of new products have been applied to our daily lives, var[ying] from personal computers to smart phones. Correspondingly, toys manufactured for children are no longer dolls and model cars. These children [have] read books, learned about the outside world, or even played games on their computers since they were babies, instead of playing outside everyday like us when we were young. Accordingly, there is a concern that technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. However, in this discussion, I shall present arguments favoring the idea that conversely, technology has made children more innovative than ever before.

To begin with, technology provides more opportunities for them to be creative. For instance, with the development of the Internet, children now have a fantastic way to learn{"gain" might be better} knowledge and communicate with others around the world. These are all foundations to be[ing] creative. To be more specific, when I was a child, all that I learn[ed was] are from books and boring TV shows, while nowadays, a child can find whatever he wants to know on the Internet. Not only literal descriptions but also videos full of fun are available. More importantly, whenever he has a thought, he can talk to his friends all over the world, which encourages others to explore more about the world like him. What makes it fantastic is that he can even send an e-mail to a scientist, whom[who] will guide him to do more than just learning the concepts. Consequently, he has a chance to find{"discover" might be better} the new.

Moreover, with new technology, children are provided with more facilities to be innovative. The[One] example is the story of a boy named Tom, who is[was] fascinated with computers and programs since [he was] 4 years old.{or "since the age of 4"} It is the App Store of Apple Corporation [that] provides him the chance and software to design applications for mobile phones. Indeed, his applications are welcomed. We can also see [that] {or put "who" after areas} many leaders in new technological areas are successful because many of them were appealed[attracted] by new technological products and dr[iven] to learn and explore new things since you[th]. Such a behavior fostered the habit of being curious and hence they are more creative.

To put all the[se] things into a nutshell, technology provides paths and opportunities for children to see more about the world and to try more things they love. Conspicuously, interests and practices are bases of innovation. In this way, technology has absolutely made children more creative than they were in the past.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a science class
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6985
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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