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please check my essay... thank you



 
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ESL Forum | Preparation for and help with the TOEFLŪ Test and essay samples collection
hi everybody. can you evaluate my integrated writing essay? thank you so much | Please, grade my integrated essay.
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please check my essay... thank you #1 (permalink) Fri Mar 02, 2012 22:15 pm   please check my essay... thank you
 

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Self-confidence is the most important factor for success in school or
at work. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Nowadays, people have some features which are really vital for them in order to maintain their lives. There are various properties belonging to people, ıncluding working so hard, planning something effectively, and so on. However, I believe that one of the most prominent characteristics of people is self-confidence. Thus, I agree with the statement that self-confidence is the most significant term for achievement in school and at work.

To begin with, self-confidence is very valuable property for people who can cope with many problems in a difficult situation, because it always urges them to overcome the problem. In other words, people can deal with their problems with the help of the sel-confidence. When encountering with a serious problem, it compels them to minimize the effects of it. For example, when I was at high scool, I really had so hard and uncomprehenable classes that made me really upset due to their difficulties. In this case, I seriously believed my self-confidence, as it made me urge to study for exams. Namely, it encouraged me to pass them.

Furthermore, self-confidence makes people decisive to overcome a matter when working at , or studying in school. In addition, it makes them believe so as to achieve their tasks, or commitments. Many people who have a lot of homework or work use this unbelievable characteristic to reach their targets. Therefore, it provides a great chance for people who have this wonderful property. To illustrate, when starting to study for TOEFL exam, my guide always says me that if you complete all stages of your study and also have self-confidence, you will really get a great grade from the exam.

Finally, it makes people successfull throughout their all lives, since if people have not got this crucial term, they will never be successfull in their lives. When people benefit from it in school or at work, they incredable relax. Along my school life, for instance, especially in university, I always relaxed thanks to this factor. Today, in my business life, I have again been relaxing when working with my friends, because I benefit from self-confidence, making people so productivity.

TOEFL listening lectures: What is the main difference between a fad and a trend?
Bienvenue
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 02 Feb 2012
Posts: 45

Re: please check my essay... thank you #2 (permalink) Sat Mar 03, 2012 5:10 am   Re: please check my essay... thank you
 

Hi, a very good essay, I was all set to give it a 4 out of 5, but the last paragraph was pretty weak and you had no conclusion - I bet you were running out of time. Still a good effort and it proves that you can write well, if you can adapt to the time constraints. I will still give it a 3.5 out of 5.

Bienvenue wrote:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Self-confidence is the most important factor for success in school or
at work. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Nowadays, people have some features{"characteristics" is better} which are really vital for them in order to maintain their lives. There are various properties belonging to people, ıncluding working so hard, planning something effectively, and so on. However, I believe that one of the most prominent characteristics of [successful] people is self-confidence. Thus, I agree with the statement that self-confidence is the most significant term for achievement in school and at work.

To begin with, self-confidence is very valuable property for people who can cope with many problems in a difficult situation, because it always urges them to overcome the problem. In other words, people can deal with their problems with the help of the self-confidence. When encounter[ed] with a serious problem, it compels them to minimize the[its] effects of it. For example, when I was at high scool, {sp} I really had so hard and uncomprehenable[incomprehensible] classes that made me really{try not to use "really' so often} upset due to their difficult[y]. In this case, I seriously believed["relied on" sounds better] my self-confidence, as it made[gave] me [the] urge to study for exams. Namely, it encouraged me to pass them.

Furthermore, self-confidence makes people decisive to[in] overcom[ing] a matter when working at , or studying in school. In addition, it makes them believe so as to achieve their tasks, or commitments. Many people who have a lot of homework or work use this unbelievable characteristic to reach their targets. Therefore, it provides a great chance for people who have this wonderful property. To illustrate, when starting to study for TOEFL exam, my guide always says[said to] me that if you complete all stages of your study and also have self-confidence, you will really get a great grade from[on] the exam.

Finally, it[self-confidence] makes people successfull{sp} throughout their all[whole] lives, since if people have not got this crucial term{"term" term isn't quite right - maybe aspect}, they will never be successfull{sp} in their lives. When people benefit from it in school or at work, they incredable relax. Along my school life, for instance, especially in university, I always relaxed thanks to this factor. Today, in my business life, I have again been relaxing when working with my friends, because I benefit from self-confidence, making people so productivity.{I don't quite understand the relaxing thing - make it more clear that self-confidence reduces your fear of failure which is what allows you to relax}

TOEFL listening lectures: What is the main difference between a fad and a trend?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6871
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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please check my essay... thank you #3 (permalink) Sat Mar 03, 2012 9:25 am   please check my essay... thank you
 

thank you Luschen. In fact, time is very important for this task, so I tried to write it in 30 minutes. that is why, I could not add a conclusion. İn additoion, my last paragraph, ı know, is so weak on account of time factor. I hope I will write better one:=)
Bienvenue
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 02 Feb 2012
Posts: 45

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