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Overpopulation in urban areas



 
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Could you please correct my essay?... "Making your mark" | PLEASE CHECK MY ESSAY for ielts GRAMMAR AND VACOBULARY / THANK YOU
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Overpopulation in urban areas #1 (permalink) Tue Apr 24, 2012 20:05 pm   Overpopulation in urban areas
 

This is my IELTS essay. Can you help me to check it? Thanks in advance!

Topic:

Overpopulation of urban areas has led to numerous problems. Identify one or two serious ones and suggest ways that governments and individuals tackle these problems.

ANSWER:

Throughout the world, the populations of the big cities are increasing at an alarming rate. This phenomenon is associated with a number of causes for concern; it is, therefore, high time that measures are adopted to counteract the destructive effects of population explosion in cities.

Overpopulation is a major breeding ground for a vast array of social and economic ills. In fact, many countryfolks move to cities with the hope of job opportunities and a better living standard. Ironically, the more densely populated the cities are, the more people are made redundant. This not only acts as a hindrance in the process of economic development, but also leads to a precarious living of those people and their sense of despair. The worst scenario is that they are willing to go any length to make living, even commit a crime such as robbery, drug trafficking, affecting social security.

However, this worrying problem is not necessarily beyond solution. Firstly, family planning is the key solution of this situation. Moreover, with the government relocating industrial and economic zones as well as investing more to remote areas, more job opportunities will created and living standard will be greatly improved. Thanks to this, people are very likely to stay in their hometown, which is able to reduce unnatural population growth in urban areas. When it comes to individuals, each citizen should lend their hands to help the authority control population boom, particularly in urban areas.

In conclusion, overpopulation of urban areas brings about immense worries, but it can be put in right order with the partnership between the government and ordinary individuals. If we do not put in efforts today, tommorrow may not even give us a chance to ponder over the situation.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social science class (2)
Linpearl89
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 23 Apr 2012
Posts: 19

Re: Overpopulation in urban areas #2 (permalink) Tue Apr 24, 2012 23:02 pm   Re: Overpopulation in urban areas
 

Hi, I think your essay is excellent. You have correctly addressed the prompt and given adequate reasons and examples. Your essay structure is outstanding, as is your vocabulary. You have a few minor grammar mistakes and a couple sentences that I think could be expressed a little more clearly. Still, this is a superb essay, I think it would rate a band 7 or perhaps 8.

Linpearl89 wrote:
This is my IELTS essay. Can you help me to check it? Thanks in advance!

Topic:

Overpopulation of urban areas has led to numerous problems. Identify one or two serious ones and suggest ways that governments and individuals tackle these problems.

ANSWER:

Throughout the world, the populations of the big cities are increasing at an alarming rate. This phenomenon is associated with a number of causes for concern; it is, therefore, high time that measures are adopted to counteract the destructive effects of population explosion in cities.

Overpopulation is a major breeding ground for a vast array of social and economic ills. In fact, many countryfolks {the plural of folk is folk} move to cities with the hope of job opportunities and a better living standard. Ironically, the more densely populated the cities are, the more people are made redundant. This not only acts as a hindrance in the process of economic development, but also leads to a precarious living of[life for] those people and their sense of despair. {this sentence is a little awkward - it is unclear where "and their sense of depair" fits in}The worst scenario is that they are willing to go any length to make [a] living, even [to] commit a crime such as robbery, drug trafficking, affecting social security.

However, this worrying["worrisome" is better} problem is not necessarily beyond solution. Firstly, family planning is the key solution of[to] this situation. Moreover, with the government relocating industrial and economic zones as well as investing more to[in] remote areas, more job opportunities will [be] created and living standard will be greatly improved. Thanks to this, people are very likely to stay in their hometown, which is able to reduce {it sounds like you are saying "the hometown will be able to reduce"} unnatural population growth in urban areas. When it comes to individuals, each citizen should lend their hands to help the authority control [the] population boom, particularly in urban areas.

In conclusion, overpopulation of urban areas brings about immense worries, but it can be put in right order with the partnership between the government and ordinary individuals. If we do not put in efforts today, tommorrow{sp} may not even give us a chance to ponder over the situation.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social science class (2)
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 7030
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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Overpopulation in urban areas #3 (permalink) Wed Apr 25, 2012 19:40 pm   Overpopulation in urban areas
 

Dear Mr Luschen,

From bottom of my heart, I want to say thanks for your help.

I saw your corrections and comments and I want to change a little bit to make the essay better.

"but also leads to a precarious living of[life for] those people and their sense of despair. " ---> but also leads to a precarious life for those people and breeds a sense of despair in them. Is it ok now?

And would you mind if I have 2 questions for you?

1. I've searched the word "worrisome" before, but I saw it had the same meaning as "worrying" and stermed from AmE. Should I use it instead of "worrying" in IELTS exam?

2. "Thanks to this, people are very likely to stay in their hometown, which is able to reduce {it sounds like you are saying "the hometown will be able to reduce"} "
Here I want to use so-called ", which" clause. but if it make the sentence not clean, how can I improve it?

Hope that my questions dont annoy you. Again, thanks for your help so much.
@
Linpearl89
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 23 Apr 2012
Posts: 19

Overpopulation in urban areas #4 (permalink) Wed Apr 25, 2012 19:50 pm   Overpopulation in urban areas
 

Linpearl89 wrote:
Dear Mr Luschen,

"but also leads to a precarious living of[life for] those people and their sense of despair. " ---> but also leads to a precarious life for those people and breeds a sense of despair in them. Is it ok now?

Yes, this is much better

And would you mind if I have 2 questions for you?

1. I've searched the word "worrisome" before, but I saw it had the same meaning as "worrying" and stermed from AmE. Should I use it instead of "worrying" in IELTS exam?

Yes, I think you are correct, I am American, so to me "worrisome" is more appropriate, but looking at this link, BrE users would probably say "worrying" . I think using either one would not count against you here. http://www.wordwizard.com/phpbb3/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=20637

2. "Thanks to this, people are very likely to stay in their hometown, which is able to reduce {it sounds like you are saying "the hometown will be able to reduce"} "
Here I want to use so-called ", which" clause. but if it make the sentence not clean, how can I improve it?

To me, this rewritten sentence seems less ambiguous:
"Thanks to this, people are very likely to stay in their hometown, which will help reduce unnatural population growth in urban areas."


Hope that my questions dont annoy you. Again, thanks for your help so much.

You are welcome. Please ask as many questions as you like - it proves you are actually reading my comments. :)
@
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 7030
Location: Nashville TN, USA

Overpopulation in urban areas #5 (permalink) Thu Apr 26, 2012 0:11 am   Overpopulation in urban areas
 

Thank you so much. It's amazing when I posted my questions before going to sleep, and then seeing your response when I wake up.
Linpearl89
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 23 Apr 2012
Posts: 19

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