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Essay: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be



 
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Essay: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be #1 (permalink) Wed May 23, 2012 14:32 pm   Essay: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be
 

Please review my essay and provide a band.

Topic:It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. Include any relevant examples from your experience.

In the olden days, culture played a very important role in the family relationships. Modern culture has greatly influenced current generations, who are leaning towards leading an independent life rather than depending on their families for decision making, sharing joy and sorrow. These changes are taking place because of many reasons out of which Internet and job opportunities are the prominent ones.
Last few decades has seen the development of internet and improvements in mobile and television technologies. Today, many people prefer to communicate with their families using computer and internet instead of visiting them personally. Even though they help us to keep up with each other, it lacks the much needed personal touch. Members of a same family are spending more time watching television or browsing internet rather than spending quality time with each other. The above mentioned reasons have greatly impacted the interaction between families.
In the past, for many people, farming was the main occupation, and the whole family was involved in the farming. So, families have always stayed together supporting each other in good times and bad. However, with development of technology and the amount of money can be made working in technical fields has lured people to learn technology. These technical jobs are mostly concentrated in big cities which required people to travel to different places leaving their parents and relatives. These reasons have contributed to the increase in distance in the family relationships.
In my opinion families can become closer once again like in old times by visiting each other at least once a year for occasions such as birthday parties or festivals. Members in a family should spend more free time with each other rather than browsing internet and watching television. By following at least one of the above suggestions can help bring families together.

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Batswon
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Joined: 23 May 2012
Posts: 2

Re: Essay: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used t #2 (permalink) Thu May 24, 2012 23:11 pm   Re: Essay: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used t
 

Hi, I think your essay is very good. I would refer to it as "the internet", I think opinions may still be a bit divided, but most people use "the internet" now. You have a few minor grammatical errors, mainly when you leave out some articles and other minor but necessary words. Your structure and arguments are quite good. I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

Batswon wrote:
Please review my essay and provide a band.

Topic:It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. Include any relevant examples from your experience.
e family relationships. Modern culture has greatly influenced current generations, who are leaning towards leading an independent life rather than depending on their families for decision making, sharing joy and [expressing] sorrow. These changes are taking place because of many reasons out of which Internet and job opportunities are the prominent ones.
[The] Last few decades ha[ve] seen the development of internet and improvements in mobile and television technologies. Today, many people prefer to communicate with their families using computer[ s] and internet instead of visiting them personally. Even though they help us to keep up with each other, it[they] lacks the much needed personal touch. Members of a same family are spending more time watching television or browsing internet rather than spending quality time with each other. The above mentioned reasons have greatly impacted the interaction between families.
In the past, for many people, farming was the main occupation, and the whole family was involved in the farming. So, families have always stayed together supporting each other in good times and bad. However, with [the] development of technology and the amount of money [that] can be made working in technical fields has lured people to learn technology. These technical jobs are mostly concentrated in big cities which required people to travel to different places leaving their parents and relatives. These reasons have contributed to the increase in distance in[of] the family relationships.
In my opinion{comma} families can become closer once again like in old times by visiting each other at least once a year for occasions such as birthday parties or festivals. Members in[of] a family should spend more free time with each other rather than browsing internet and watching television. By following at least one of the above suggestions can help bring families together.

TOEFL listening discussions: What will the student probably do with her next paper?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 7032
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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