Toefl essay sample: do you agree or disagree with...

[akhil]

Dear Sir,

I will be taking TOEFL in the third week of the month. Please rate my essay in line of the TOEFL requirements. I would also request you to kindly give your valuable comments on structure of the essay, digression from the topic, quality of content etc.

If possible please rate the essay on scale of six. I would also seek your guidance on my weak areas on which I need to work

Best Regards,

Akhil Jain

Topic: do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important for students to study history and literature than it is for them to study science and mathematics. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion

Our education system offers a wide range of subject like physics, chemistry, maths, languages, social sciences, economics etc. All these subjects are important in making us a good human being and enable us dischage our responsiblities as a bonafide citizen of our country. That is why all these subjects are taught upto the high school level and the we are made aware of the basics of all these subjects. We must study all these subjects and give them equal importance upto the high school level. The preferences for the subjects come only for the advanced studies or specialisation in the same.

The subject one chooses for advanced studies is solely one's preogative. It depends on one's interests, abmbitions and career goals. Without undermining the importance of other subjects, I would recommend studying subjects like physics, maths etc over subjects like literature, history etc. I list below my reasons for arriving at this opinion.

As we all know that technology is the word for the day and it is expanding at a very fast pace. Even non technical subjects like history etc. could not remain unaffected by the technology. Technology is extensively used for determining the age of the remains that archeologists find. Historian depend heavily on technology to find the sequence of events and corroborate evidences for their hypothesis. Radio carbon dating and fossil mapping are most commonly used techniques.

Our day today life is also affected by technology. The techological advancements have not only made the gadgets that we use a possiblity but has also helped reducing the cost and bringing those within the reach of common man.

Studying these subjects also offers bright career prospects and a rewarding and challenging profession as a wide range of careers and courses are available for the students of all intelligence levels.

In view of the above I can state that the subjects like physics, chemistry maths etc should be chosen for advance studies and specialisation. However, one cannot undermine the importance of other subjects like history, literature etc and one should be well versed with the basic knowledge of all these subjects. It should also be noted that if one has deep interest in history, literature etc one should only opt for these subjects for studies as these subjects ar not bereft of any career oppurtunity either.

[Yankee]

(Sorry, the essay comments are in the following post.)
_________________
Amy
.
ESL teacher, translator, and a native speaker of American English

[Yankee]

Hi Akhil Jain

Alan is not available at the moment, so I've had a look at your essay and made comments. Words in capitalized LETTERS are my suggestions for improvement, words in brackets [ ] should be removed, anything you see in blue should be added or changed.

Our education system offers a wide range of subjects like physics, chemistry, maths, languages, social sciences, economics, etc. All these subjects are important in making us [a] good human beings and enable us TO discharge our responsiblities as [a] bonafide citizens of our country. That is why all these subjects are taught upto/ UP TO the high school level and [the] WHY we are made aware of the basics of all these subjects. We must study all these subjects and give them equal importance upto/UP TO the high school level/FOR A CERTAIN PERIOD OF TIME. The preferences for the subjects come only for the advanced studies or specialisation in the same / A PREFERENCE FOR A SUBJECT OR SUBJECTS COMES ONLY DURING ADVANCED STUDY OR SPECIALISATION.

The subject one chooses for advanced studies /STUDY is solely one's prerogative. It depends on one's interests, abmbitions and career goals. Without undermining the importance of other subjects, I would recommend studying subjects like physics, maths, etc., over subjects like literature, history, etc. I list below my reasons for arriving at this opinion.

As we all know that technology is the word for the day / AS WE ALL KNOW, THE WORD OF THE DAY IS TECHNOLOGY and it is expanding at a very fast pace. Even non technical subjects like history [etc.] could not remain unaffected by the technology/ EVEN NONTECHNICAL SUBJECTS SUCH AS HISTORY HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO REMAIN UNAFFECTED BY TECHNOLOGY. Technology is extensively used for determining the age of the remains that archeologists find. Historians depend heavily on technology to find the sequence of events and corroborate evidences/EVIDENCE for their hypothesis/HYPOTHESES. Radio carbon dating and fossil mapping are THE most commonly used techniques.

Our day today/DAY-TO-DAY life is also affected by technology. [The] technological advancements have not only made the gadgets that we use a possiblity/POSSIBLE, but has/HAVE also helped reducing/REDUCE the costs, bringing those within the reach of THE common man.

Studying these subjects also offers bright career prospects and a rewarding and challenging profession as a wide range of careers and courses are available for [the] students of all intelligence levels.

In view of the above, I can state that [the] subjects like physics, chemistry, maths, etc., should be chosen for advanced studies and specialisation. However, one cannot undermine the importance of other subjects like history, literature, etc., and one should be well-versed with [the] basic knowledge of/IN all these subjects. It should also be noted that if one has deep interest in history, literature, etc., one should only opt for these subjects for studies as these subjects /ONE CAN ALSO OPT FOR FURTHER STUDY IN THESE SUBJECTS AS THEY are not bereft of any career opportunity [either].

- Generally speaking, your essay is very good and makes use of good vocabulary.
- In my opinion you used "etc" much too often and the punctuation was also a bit sloppy in these areas.
- Your frequent use of lists of subjects (and "etc.") also led to a lot of word repetition.
- I often prefer the use of "such as" to the word "like".

Good luck on the TOEFL!

Amy
_________________
Amy
.
ESL teacher, translator, and a native speaker of American English