#2 (permalink) Fri Jun 23, 2006 10:22 am TOEFL essay sample: Identify three things... |
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Hi baboom,
I have made some suggestions in CAPITAL letters and put brackets ( ) round words that are unnecessary:
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There are many things that will bring a significant effect to one's life/HAVE A SIGNIFICANT EFFECT ON YOUR LIFE. As for myself, three essential elements are education, health, as well as family. Education gives me the knowledge which allows me to pursuit/PURSUE a career. Health gives me the strength to accomplish my goals and to sustain my education or career. Futhermore, family gives me the love and support that will aid me in stepping/MOVING towards success. As a result, education, health, and family are not just three simple elements that are important to my life, but they also make my life more fulfilling, thrilling, and exhilarating.
Education is incredibly important to my life. As i/I gain more knowledge and wisdom, my lifestyle will improve as well. Education gives me the oppurtunity to fulfill my desires and aids me towards accomplishments. When i was young, I never take/TOOK education seriously. However, now i /I HAVE realised the fact that only education can provide me the knowledge I need in order to pursuit/PURSUE my career. Only skills and experiences acquireD from/THROUGH education gives/GIVE my/ME the chance to fulfill my goals. Without education, there are no ways for me to have a fulfilling life.
Health is another important element(s) I need in order to have a thrilling and extraordinary lifestyle. Health gives me the strength to accomplish my goals and sustain my career. Without a healthy body, one/YOU can never have the ability to fulfill their/YOUR goals. Yet health will also make one's/YOUR life more thrilling because with a strong and healthy body, one/YOU can have the strength to enjoy life.
In addition, family is another important thing that I need in order to reach satisfactory/ TO ACHIEVE SATISFACTION. Family gives me the love and support that act as a motivational drive to encourage myself/ME to overcome failures and reach success. Family makes my life more exhilarating by giving me unconditional supports that will brighten my tedious and monotonous life.
To conclude, education, health, and family are not just unique characteristics that make my life more productive, but they also make my life more fulfilling, thrilling, and exhilarating. Thus, to have an outstanding lifestyle, education, health , and family is/ARE necessary for me to achieve my desires and wishes. |
This is good but try to find alternative words for fulfil in a dictionary.
Alan _________________ English as a Second Language You can read my ESL story Present Simple |
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Alan Co-founder

Joined: 27 Sep 2003 Posts: 13887 Location: UK
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