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to create a timetable; to enter into a timetable; to plan for a certain date
cater
taste
case
schedule
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I need someone to check my essay.



 
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Please check my essay!) | Please check my essay. Advices are gladly appreciated. :D
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I need someone to check my essay. #1 (permalink) Mon May 20, 2013 13:11 pm   I need someone to check my essay.
 

Hello, I wrote this essay for a friend of mine, she is in high school and I tried to adjust essay to her age. Can you correct my mistakes,and say if it's any good? Thanks in advance.

The dearest moments spent with him

It was june 2011, I can clearly evoke every single memory from that day, the day was astoundigly good, it was sunny but not
so sunny that I couldn't enjoy it, people were suprisingly polite and cheerful that day, all seemed well.

I walked the streets taking standard routes and then I was like, 'It's such a good day and it would be really bad to use my standard walking routes', so I
decided to take other unordinary routes. It turns out that this choice was one of the best I have made.

I spotted a peculiar guy which seemed lost and distraught, it's not hard to spot a stranger in this town and to recognize that he
doesn't live here. Few ideas crossed my mind while I was observing him, first was who on the earth will come here as a tourist when
there are thousands better places. Later on I realized that every place on the earth is interesting and it's a story for itself. Whatsoever,
I didn't notice that I was observed as well, by him.
He came closer and said something like '' Hello, can I steal a few minutes of your time in order to ask you a few questions?''

He was very curious about Novi Pazar, architecture, culture, religion, tradition. He was amazed by everything that is connected
with this town. I understood his amazment and curiosity, but I tried to awoke it in myself, was I blind or just I lost interest
in something I am seeing everyday. But truth to be told, I can't remember that I was ever enthusiastic about my town.

We were walking for hours, talking about almost everything, I was surprised by myself, I am usually a shy person especially in the moments
like this but not then, I was super relaxed and confident and somehow inspired. I don't want to mention giant butterflies who fought some kind of a battle
in my stomach.

The more he talked the less I was listening, it's not that I was bored..but I was the one who is amazed now. I was just looking at him,
His silver blonde hair was caressed by a wind that seemed to swirl around with the grace of butterflies and his jade eyes gazed through my soul,
seeing things I couldn't see myself.

His lips so full, the lower one slightly darker but that made him even more perfect. Yes, absolutely perfect...

I felt like I spent eternity in other dimension, at that moment everything was enhanced. Emotions primarily. I managed to get back in reality
so I can follow the communication between us. We talked about past/present/future about life and love. About everything when I look at it now
I am really not sure how we managed to speak about so much things in only few hours.

I tried to suggest some romantic place so we can go there and continue our discussion but something 'unpredictable' has happened.
While we were walking I tripped on something and fell, I think I spent a dozen years laying down there, I wanted to transform into a stone, or to burry a hole
and to jump in it. And something crazy happenend, he tripped as well, and felt just near me,or he did it to make me feel less ashamed.
But while we were lying next to each other giggling and laughing he kissed me. The laugh stopped. Everything stopped, it was just one single kiss
that had a tremendous influence on me.
He helped me to get up, we talked for a few minutes and finally said bye to each other. I was already late for what I came in the first place
few hours flew like a few minutes..

There are moments when I believe it was all just a dream, to hard to believe it was true. But after all, it was a memory that will always bring
a smile on my face and a warmness in my heart.
B3l1
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 13 Apr 2009
Posts: 113

Re: I need someone to check my essay. #2 (permalink) Tue May 21, 2013 16:03 pm   Re: I need someone to check my essay.
 

Hi, I think it is very good. I hope you are writing this for her to read, not for her to turn in as her own work!

B3l1 wrote:
Hello, I wrote this essay for a friend of mine, she is in high school and I tried to adjust essay to her age. Can you correct my mistakes,and say if it's any good? Thanks in advance.

The dearest moments spent with him

It was [J]une 2011, I can clearly evoke every single memory from that day[;] the day was astoundigly good[;] it was sunny but not
so sunny that I couldn't enjoy it[;] people were suprisingly polite and cheerful that day, all seemed well.

I walked the streets taking [the] standard routes and then I was like, 'It's such a good day and it would be really bad to use my standard walking routes', so I
decided to take other unordinary[less-traveled] routes. It turns out that this choice was one of the best I have [ever] made.

I spotted a peculiar guy which[who] seemed lost and distraught[;] it's not hard to spot a stranger in this town and to recognize that he
doesn't live here. [A] Few ideas crossed my mind while I was observing him[:] [the] first was who on the earth w[ould] come here as a tourist when
there are thousands [of] better places. Later on I realized that every place on the earth is interesting and it's a story for itself. Whatsoever,{"whatsoever" doesn't really work here - do you mean "Anyway," or "As I was saying," ?}
I didn't notice that I was observed as well, by him.
He came closer and said something like '' Hello, can I steal a few minutes of your time in order to ask you a few questions?''

He was very curious about Novi Pazar[, its] architecture, culture, religion, tradition. He was amazed by everything that is connected
with this town. I understood his amazment and curiosity, but I tried to aw[aken] it in myself, was I blind or [had I] just I lost interest
in something I am seeing everyday[?] But truth to be told, I can't remember that I was ever enthusiastic about my town.

We were walking for hours, talking about almost everything[.] I was surprised by myself[;] I am usually a shy person[,] especially in the moments
like this but not then[:] I was super[-]relaxed and confident and somehow inspired. I don't want to mention giant butterflies who fought some kind of a battle
in my stomach. {this usually means you are nervous - this seems to contradict your "super-relaxation"}

The more he talked the less I was listening[;] it's not that I was bored..but I was the one who [wa]s amazed now. I was just looking at him,
His silver blonde hair was caressed by a wind that seemed to swirl around with the grace of butterflies and his jade eyes gazed through my soul,
seeing things I couldn't see myself.

His lips so full, the lower one slightly darker but that made him even more perfect. Yes, absolutely perfect...

I felt like I spent eternity in [an]other dimension[;] at that moment everything was enhanced[, e]motions primarily. I managed to get back in [to] reality
so I c[ould] follow the communication between us. We talked about past/present/future[,] about life and love[, a]bout everything when I look at it now[.]
I am really not sure how we managed to speak about so m[any] things in only [a] few hours.

I tried to suggest some romantic place so we c[ould] go there and continue our discussion but something 'unpredictable' has happened.
While we were walking I tripped on something and fell[; ] I think I spent a dozen years l[ying] down there, I wanted to transform into a stone, or to burry[dig] a hole
and to jump in it. And something crazy happenend[happened ;] he tripped as well, and fe[ll] just near me,or he did it to make me feel less ashamed.
But while we were lying next to each other giggling and laughing he kissed me. The laugh stopped. Everything stopped, it was just one single kiss
that had a tremendous influence on me.
He helped me to get up, we talked for a few minutes and finally said bye to each other. I was already late for what I came [for] in the first place[, the]
few hours flew[had flown] like a few minutes..

There are moments when I believe it was all just a dream, to[o ] hard to believe it was true. But after all, it was a memory that will always bring
a smile on [to] my face and a warmness in my heart.
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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I need someone to check my essay. #3 (permalink) Tue May 21, 2013 17:55 pm   I need someone to check my essay.
 

To be honest with you there is a truth in your words, but to be honest with me now.. I doubt she has read it :-) And thanks for review ..I hope I didn't make much mistakes. Can you tell me where should I pay attention?
B3l1
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 13 Apr 2009
Posts: 113

I need someone to check my essay. #4 (permalink) Tue May 21, 2013 19:54 pm   I need someone to check my essay.
 

Your main problem is run-on sentences - you are not allowed to string together complete sentences with commas in between them.
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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