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person employed to deliver official dispatches or go on special errands
circumstance
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Please check my essay. Advices are gladly appreciated. :D



 
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I need someone to check my essay. | Do you hear clearly the word "while" in the sentence above?
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Please check my essay. Advices are gladly appreciated. :D #1 (permalink) Mon Aug 12, 2013 2:55 am   Please check my essay. Advices are gladly appreciated. :D
 

Could you guys suggest anything for my essay? Grammar? Punctuations? Advice? Any sort of help is gladly appreciated! :DD

Topic: Are there any significant experiences you have had or accomplishments you have realized that helped define you as a person?

Every experience I have had and accomplishments I have attained in the past helped define who I am today. Everything I have gone through and have done in the previous years of my life molded me into the person I am today. Not only did they shape me into who I am but also guided me in discovering the potentials I have buried deep within me and those I never thought I had. These experiences and accomplishments often mold us into someone we never thought we would be. Looking back at my past, it was not all good. I regret nothing, however, for I know that everything in life happens for a reason – may they be good or bad. Without the challenges and hardships of the past, I may not be who I am today.

Back when I was in grade school, I always thought I was not good at anything. I saw myself as a ‘run-of-the-mill’ person, mediocre, average and someone just not destined for anything great; just another human being here on planet earth. My leadership and decision making skills, at that time, were very bad. I was a very shy boy who hated being around people I do not know, and I had no special talents and skills. I knew how to play soccer, but because of the pressure I felt when playing, I could not differentiate friend from foe when the ball was in my possession. I simply passed it on to anyone close-by. I also knew how to play the piano, but laziness conquered me enough not to practice my pieces, thus, my skills in playing progressed slowly. When faced with dilemmas, I always make poor decisions which make everything worse. I always seem to be afraid to choose because of what people might think of my choice of action. My judgement is therefore clouded.

I was exceedingly degrading my existence and capabilities because of how I perceived myself. This went on for at least a year until one soccer game changed it all. At the time of the game, the ball was passed to me. I made a decision to muster every courage I had and head straight for the goal. I dribbled the ball across the field, dodging enemy attackers and defenders. It was an arduous task, but I finally came close to the goal. When I was at an acceptable range, I summoned every strength I had to kick the ball. To my surprise, the goalie failed to block it and went in. My first very goal. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Soon afterwards, with my profound courage, I was able to score at least one goal per game until I got better and was accepted in our soccer varsity team. That was when I told myself I was finally good at something.

When high school came, it was a whole new experience for me. New faces, teachers and harder subjects. I had no idea what was in store for me. One significant event turned my weakness in leading into a strong point. I was made class president. It was terrifying to think of at first because I knew that being a leader to others was my Waterloo. However, I recalled the soccer game wherein I made my first goal. If I was able to overcome such an obstacle before, I can surely do so again. With this courage, I did the best I could to do my part as class president. When 2nd year and 3rd year came, I was elected as president of the entire student body. This was an even bigger responsibility that needed the utmost attention. I was anxious but reminded myself once more of the soccer game. To my surprise, I was able to my job as President and leader of the student body. I did have the potential after all to be a leader to others, all I needed was to believe in myself.

Everything I have experienced and attained from grade school up to present tells a lot about who I am today. Judging by what I’ve been through, I am a person who just needs a push to be able to tap into hidden potentials within me. All the obstacles and hardships helped form the person I am today. I once thought I was good at nothing, that I would never achieve anything in life. I guess I proved myself wrong. Everyone has their own sets of special skills and talents. Some discover it as soon as they are born while some are required to discover it as they journey through life.

Thanks in advance, guys!
Abe10tiger
New Member


Joined: 11 Aug 2013
Posts: 2

Re: Please check my essay. Advices are gladly appreciated. :D #2 (permalink) Tue Aug 13, 2013 5:36 am   Re: Please check my essay. Advices are gladly appreciated. :D
 

Hi, I thought your essay was excellent. Only a few corrections I could suggest.

Abe10tiger wrote:
Could you guys suggest anything for my essay? Grammar? Punctuations? Advice? Any sort of help is gladly appreciated! :DD

Topic: Are there any significant experiences you have had or accomplishments you have realized that helped define you as a person?

Every experience I have had and accomplishments I have attained in the past helped define who I am today. Everything I have gone through and have done in the previous years of my life molded me into the person I am today. Not only did they shape me into who I am but also guided me in discovering the potentials I have buried deep within me and those I never thought I had. These experiences and accomplishments often mold us into someone we never thought we would be. Looking back at my past, it was not all good. I regret nothing, however, for I know that everything in life happens for a reason – may they be good or bad.{"reason, be they good or bad" sounds better} Without the challenges and hardships of the past, I may not be who I am today.

Back when I was in grade school, I always thought I was not good at anything. I saw myself as a ‘run-of-the-mill’ person, mediocre, average and someone just not destined for anything great; just another human being here on planet earth. My leadership and decision making skills,{no comma} at that time,{no comma} were very bad. I was a very shy boy who hated being around people I d[id] not know, and I had no special talents and skills. I knew how to play soccer, but because of the pressure I felt when playing, I could not differentiate friend from foe when the ball was in my possession. I simply passed it on to anyone close-by. I also knew how to play the piano, but laziness conquered me enough{this sounds a bit odd} not to practice my pieces, thus, my skills in playing progressed slowly. When faced with dilemmas, I always ma[de] poor decisions which make everything worse. I always seem[ed] to be afraid to choose because of what people might think of my choice of action. My judgement [wa]s therefore clouded.

I was exceedingly degrading my existence and capabilities because of how I perceived myself. This went on for at least a year until one soccer game changed it all. At the time of the game, the ball was passed to me. I made a decision to muster every [bit of] courage I had and head straight for the goal. I dribbled the ball across the field, dodging enemy attackers and defenders. It was an arduous task, but I finally came close to the goal. When I was at an acceptable range, I summoned every strength I had to kick the ball. To my surprise, the goalie failed to block it and [it] went in. My [very] first very goal. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Soon afterwards, with my profound courage, I was able to score at least one goal per game until I got better and was accepted in our soccer varsity team. That was when I told myself I was finally good at something.

When high school came, it was a whole new experience for me. New faces, teachers and harder subjects. I had no idea what was in store for me. One significant event turned my weakness in lead[ership] into a strong point. I was made class president.{how did this happen if you had no talent in leading? Maybe add a few more details} It was terrifying to think of at first because I knew that being a leader to others was my Waterloo. However, I recalled the soccer game wherein I made my first goal. If I was able to overcome such an obstacle before, I c[ould] surely do so again. With this courage, I did the best I could to do my part as class president. When 2nd year and 3rd year came, I was elected as president of the entire student body. This was an even bigger responsibility that needed {"required" or "demanded" seems better here} the utmost attention. I was anxious but reminded myself once more of the soccer game. To my surprise, I was able to [excel at] my job as President and leader of the student body. I did have the potential after all to be a leader to others, all I needed was to believe in myself.

Everything I have experienced and attained from grade school up to [the] present tells a lot about who I am today. Judging by what I’ve been through, I am a person who just needs a push to be able to tap into hidden potentials within me. All the obstacles and hardships helped form the person I am today. I once thought I was good at nothing, that I would never achieve anything in life. I guess I proved myself wrong. Everyone has their own sets of special skills and talents. Some discover it[them] as soon as they are born while some are required to discover it[them] as they journey through life.

Thanks in advance, guys!
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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Please check my essay. Advices are gladly appreciated. :D #3 (permalink) Tue Aug 13, 2013 17:26 pm   Please check my essay. Advices are gladly appreciated. :D
 

In addition to Luschen's corrections I'd like to point out that the noun 'advice' is uncountable so the word 'advices' does not exist.

TOEIC listening, question-response: Where can I find a drinking fountain?
Torsten
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