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GREŽ essay Ability of human thinking may deteriorate with dependence on technology



 
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GRE essay Ability of human thinking may deteriorate with dependence on technology #1 (permalink) Sat Aug 16, 2014 22:10 pm   GRE essay Ability of human thinking may deteriorate with dependence on technology
 

Could someone correct and rate this essay?

PROMPT: As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
It is debatable whether technology has adverse impact on humans. I disagree with the statement that humans' ability to think will deteriorate because of dependence on technology when solving problem.

Nowadays we might enconter calculators for everything on the internet, such as, molecular weight and solution calculator. Another example of of technology helping people in their tasks are the grammar and spelling corrector in the softwares.
Those kinds of software and calculators are for sure very useful tools that facilitate our tasks. For example, when you are doing an experiment and need to calculate a solution, it is much better use a calculator rather than do all the calculation. However, the people get used of this and their ability for think deteriorate.
On the other hand, the technologies might help you go further. Some time technologies allow you reach steps that wouldn't be possible without softwares or equipament. In the scientifical field there are plenty of examples. For example, the mass spectrometers are tools that allow us to measure the mass and find out the molecular structure of molecules. However, to solve this, it is necessary an expert to assess the results delivered by the equipament.
In addition, the creation of technologies is only possible because the ability of humans to think. The human are responsable for program and build the equipaments and softwares.
To sum up, support or not this statament depends on the way you are considering this issue. Sometimes the technologies do deteriorate the human being ability to think and in other situations the logical of the human is still necessary. Also, we have to consider that those technologies only exists because the human have programed and built them.
Nayara
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Posts: 129

Re: GRE essay Ability of human thinking may deteriorate with dependence on techno #2 (permalink) Thu Aug 21, 2014 19:50 pm   Re: GRE essay Ability of human thinking may deteriorate with dependence on techno
 

Hi Nayara, I think your English is pretty good. Your writing was clear, without too many errors. But your essay needed a lot more structure and organization. It seemed a little rambling and disjointed, like you were just writing things in the order in which they came to your head. You focused too much on specific examples, which are good, but you need some overarching opinions and statements for the examples to support. Exactly how do these examples indicate a deterioration in our ability to think, or not? I see you sort of tried to relate your examples to your thesis, but try to be more direct and specific.

Nayara wrote:
Could someone correct and rate this essay?

PROMPT: As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

It is debatable whether technology has [an] adverse impact on humans. I disagree with the statement that humans' ability to think will deteriorate because of dependence on technology when solving problem[s ]. {this introduction seems a little too short and basic}

Nowadays we might enconter calculators for everything on the internet, {it sounds a bit like these are stand-alone calculators to calculate things on the internet, not calculators found on the internet} such as, molecular weight and solution calculator. {I would start off with a topic sentence instead of just launching into your first example} Another example of of technology helping people in their tasks are {this sentence has a subject / object singular plural mismatch} the grammar and spelling corrector in the softwares{"software" is non-countable singular}.
Those kinds of software and calculators are for sure{"for sure" is a little too informal - try "surely" or "assuredly"} very useful tools that facilitate our tasks. For example, when you are doing an experiment and need to calculate a solution, it is much better [to] use a calculator rather than do all the calculation[s by hand]. However, the people get used of this and their ability for think [thought] deteriorate[s ]. {or "ability to think"} {you either put the main idea of your paragraph at the very end, or tacked on an unrelated idea at the end, neither of which is good}
On the other hand, the technologies might help you go further. Some time[Sometimes] technologies allow you reach steps that wouldn't be possible without softwares or equipament.[equipment] In the scientifical field there are plenty of examples. For example, the mass spectrometers are tools that allow us to measure the mass and find out the molecular structure of molecules. However, to solve this, it is necessary [to be] {or maybe [ to hire] an expert to assess the results delivered by the equipament.
In addition, the creation of technologies is only possible because [of] the ability of humans to think. The human[People] are responsable{spelling}for program[ing] and build[ing] the equipaments and softwares.
To sum up, support[ting] or not this [state]ment [or not] depends on the way you are considering this issue. Sometimes the technologies do deteriorate the human being ability to think and in other situations the logical of the human is still necessary. Also, we have to consider that those technologies only exists[exist] because the human[s ] have programed and built them.
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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GRE essay Ability of human thinking may deteriorate with dependence on technology #3 (permalink) Sun Aug 24, 2014 23:59 pm   GRE essay Ability of human thinking may deteriorate with dependence on technology
 

Thanks! I will think about your advices next time I write a new essay
Nayara
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Posts: 129

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