 #2 (permalink) Thu Jun 30, 2016 14:36 pm Re: GRE: Arctic Deer |
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Hi Tesoke, please post your GRE essays in the GRE section so it will be more valuable to other users of the forum. I think you have the right idea with this essay. I think your content is pretty good. You have come up with good ideas to question the conclusion of the passage. Another line of argument is to come up with reasons for a population decline that have nothing to do with global warming. An obvious one here that is actually mentioned is hunting - the "local hunters" have reported on the population decline, but has hunting increased over the years? Is the pressure from hunting too much for the population to recover? Also, make sure you include "evidence that could strengthen or weaken the argument". What studies or research needs to be done to be more sure of the conclusion or to disprove it? You sort of mention these, but try to be more explicit. I included some ideas in your conclusion.
| Tesoke wrote: | Hi Luschen, I know that you are not a GRE expert, but I will appreciate your evaluation in the following essay. I am sure that your comment will help me. Thanks.
Question
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
argument
Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic regions. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of the year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the purported decline in deer populations is the result of the deer's being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.
Essay
The tone of this writing seems logic[al] and [its conclusions are plausible] probable {"probable" is too strong - and the tone cannot really be probable, though its conclusions can be} but not very convincing. The supporting sentences[arguments] are not strong enough to support this issue.{it is more of a thesis or argument instead of an issue} This essay will attempt to explain three idea which show that the mentioned conclusion [may not be] is not so correct.
First, the article concludes from[relies on] local hunters' reports which may be incorrect. Hunters are not experienced scholars and may evaluate deer populations less than the exact ones.{this is unclear - it could mean "less stringently" or "less accurately" or "give a number that is less than the actual"} Or they may only repeat a canard like other people. Maybe they lie about those populations [so] it can help them to report their revenue [as being less than the exact[true] money [in order] to pay less taxes. Because the essay[argument] {or "analysis"} does not speak about how those hunters understand their findings, {better to say "
hunters researched/developed/calculated their findings" or something similar} it seems that the author should use more accurate statistic[s ], for example a professor's research. {a good word to use in this case is "anecdotal evidence", which is just isolated personal experience rather than a scientific study or survey}
Furthermore, the author naively assumes that [the] reported declinations {"declines" is better here} are because of global warming. He thinks that deer populations cannot follow age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea, but he cannot be sure that global warming [has] led [to] melting ice in those islands or not. Maybe the ice of [the] age-old migration pattern is deep[thick] and this global warming has a few [little] effect on it, and so deer populations can yet migrate without any problem. The author should understand weather[whether] this effect is enough to melt the pattern [pathways between the islands] completely or not.
Finally, let's think[assume] that global warming [has] melt[ed] some of the age-old migration patterns[;] deer populations can yet {"can still" sounds a bit more natural here} stay [o]n some islands and find enough food [o]n them. In addition, [the] passage says that deer populations choose regions where, "their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it", so if global warming [has] melt[ed] some passage[migration routes], it can change some cold previous areas{better to say "some previously cold areas"} into more warmer ones[, which now] where are "warm enough to sustain the plants". It means that global warming can also increase the deer populations. {I understand your point, but including a sentence like "the population of deer could shift northward" might make it even more clear}
In conclusion, [the author]article needs to do more research and provide more evidence before his large claims can be fully supported. In fact, the argument could have been strengthened if the author use the more accurate information and conclusion. {try to be a little more clear on what exactly would strengthen the argument - if the population survey were done scientifically instead of counting on subjective reports of scattered hunters, if geographical research was done determining whether the ice between the islands has been affected by climate change, and investigating new areas where the deer may have now moved to}
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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