Google
English-Test.net
Find penpals and make new friends today!
 
proud of oneself and scornful of others; snobbish; arrogant; disdainful
provisional
incognito
haughty
articulate
full quiz correct answer
 
Username
Password
 Remember me? 
Search   Album   FAQ   Memberlist   Profile   Private messages   Register   Log in 

Please grade my writing



 
TOEFL Practice tests Increase your TOEFL test score with
120 Vocabulary + 100 Grammar tests
600 TOEFL flashcards plus an ESL book
ESL Forums | Preparation for and help with the TOEFLŪ Test and essay samples collection
trying new things and taking risks | Please grade my writing (4th October, 2017)
listening exercises
Message
Author
Please grade my writing #1 (permalink) Tue Oct 03, 2017 12:39 pm   Please grade my writing
 

Quote:
Today more people are traveling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of traveling for the traveler?

Traveling is a source of enjoyment. Though people also travel for a better life from the developing country to the developed country, many people rich or poor travel to a new place for learning as well as enjoying their leisure time. Poor people go to their nearest nice place and may be less frequent than rich people. Rich people go to in many places throughout the world. In this internet era, people can easily find nice places which psychologically force them to go there.

There is no doubt that current world of the internet makes everything easy to dig out including the place of natural beauty or other historical places. This ease of access increased demand of going for the outing to enjoy the beauty of new places. Moreover, the social website like Facebook is another reason of increased traveling than ever before because people share their experience on Facebook and upload their beautiful picture in the beautiful place. From these sharing experiences and pictures, their friends interested to go visit those places. One more reason is the less cost and time required for traveling the places as well as GPS map allow to go anywhere without the help of others which reduces the fraud case from bad people.

The traveling has many benefits such as learning and refresh of one mind. Students are taking out to travel many places from school for teaching them the new culture and showing new places which are now a mandatory task in school syllabus. Students are also very interested to go out and teachers get a significant impact on the students intellectual due to traveling. The other major benefit is refreshing oneself from the busy workplace and the regular routine work. It is a very effective way to boost up one's attention and motivation to do their work by traveling after few weeks which gives a chance to reduce tension and increased their output in the work.

Finally, the factor of the ease of access, the less cost and time, increasing intellectual and refreshing one's mind by reducing tension influenced people to go for traveling than ever before.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from an American History class
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

Re: Please grade my writing #2 (permalink) Tue Oct 03, 2017 15:09 pm   Re: Please grade my writing
 

Hi, please let me know if this is for the IELTS or TOEFL. I will assume it is for the TOEFL.
You have a big problem here in that you did not answer the prompt correctly.
You have written about why travel is so popular, but the prompt is asking for the benefits of travel. You do answer this is your second body paragraph,
but your introduction, thesis statement, and conclusion all focus on why travel is increasing, not on its benefits. Your introduction is not quite right either.
You are giving reasons why people travel, but really that information should be in the body paragraphs, not in the introduction. So for this prompt, you should expand your second body paragraph, since that is the only part that is applicable to the prompt. YOur writing itself was pretty clear, but if you don't address the prompt correctly, you will get a very low score. Here are some specific suggestions:

Ielts.1980 wrote:
Quote:
Today more people are traveling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of traveling for the traveler?

Traveling is a source of enjoyment. Though people also travel for a better life from [a] developing country to the developed country, {this is not really travel - this is immigration, so it does not really apply to this prompt} many people rich or poor travel to a new place [to learn] as well as [to enjoy] their leisure time. Poor people go to their nearest nice place and may be less frequent[ly] than rich people. Rich people go to in many places throughout the world. In this internet era, people can easily find nice places which psychologically force them to go there. {the places force them to go there? this doesn't really make sense to me}

There is no doubt that [the] current world of the internet makes everything easy to dig out {it would be "dig up", but that idiom doesn't quite fit here} including [places] of natural beauty or other historical places. This ease of access [has] increased demand of going for [outings] to enjoy the beauty of new places. Moreover, the social website[s ] like Facebook is another reason of increased traveling than ever before {or "more traveling than ever before"} because people share their experience on Facebook and upload their beautiful picture[s ] [taken] in the beautiful place. From these sharing experiences and pictures, their friends [become] interested to go visit those places. One more reason is the less [reduced] cost and time required for traveling [to these] places as well as GPS map[s, which] allow [their users] to go anywhere without the help of others which reduces the fraud case from bad people. {"fraud case from bad people" is odd and confusing to me here}

{you need some kind of transition here} The traveling has many benefits such as learning and refresh[ing] of one['s] mind. Students are taking [time] out to travel [to] many places from school[,] teaching them the new culture and showing [them] new places which are now a mandatory task in [the] school syllabus. Students are also very interested to go out and teachers [see] a significant impact on the students['] intellectual [capabilities ]due to traveling. The other major benefit is refreshing oneself from the busy workplace and the regular routine work. It is a very effective way to boost up one's attention and motivation to do their work by traveling [for a] few weeks which gives a chance to reduce tension and increas[s ] their output in the[ir] work.

Finally, {do not use "finally" for your conclusion - finally can be used for your final body paragraph, but the conclusion needs to be something like, "In conclusion", To conclude,", "To sum up" or something similar} the factor of the ease of access, the [cheaper] cost and time, increasing intellectual [opportunities] and refreshing one's mind by reducing tension influenced people to go for traveling than ever before.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from an American History class
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

TOEFL Prep Tests — Increase your Score with 120 free TOEFL Vocabulary TestsTOEFL Study Guide Guaranteed to Raise TOEFL scores without weeks and months of studying — View the Free ReportTOEFL Test Package — Learn the most difficult TOEFL vocabulary words you need to pass the TOEFL with these vocabulary tests and this unique flash card systemHow many different ways with words do you know? Subscribe to free email English course
Re: Please grade my writing #3 (permalink) Tue Oct 03, 2017 23:59 pm   Re: Please grade my writing
 

Thank you, Luschen, for your nice and detail errors of my writing. I have learned many things. I am writing for IELTS test.
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

Display posts from previous:   
trying new things and taking risks | Please grade my writing (4th October, 2017)
ESL Forums | Preparation for and help with the TOEFLŪ Test and essay samples collection All times are GMT + 1 Hour
Page 1 of 1
Latest topics on TOEFL Test Forums
different types of works during work hoursCrimeMore And More People Visit Dangerous PlacesPie charts - The spending of a school in three different yearsSome people feel that entertainers are paid too much moneyDescribe pie chartswhy prefer house or apartmentworking together or alnoe in the classA government's main priority is to provide education for its peoplePeople are living longer nowDescribe an islandPlaying computer gamesThe better environment for children to grow up

 
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Get FREE English course via e-mail