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A government's main priority is to provide education for its people



 
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A government's main priority is to provide education for its people #1 (permalink) Tue Oct 03, 2017 14:49 pm   A government's main priority is to provide education for its people
 

This is an IELTS topic that I have written on,
"A government's main priority is to provide education for its people"

Here is my answer,
"To receive sufficient education is the basic right and need of any civilian from any country. With proper knowledge and skills, people can maximize their contribution to their nations, especially in developing countries where there is enormous potential to grow. Hence, I strongly believe that government should always put education at first as a crucial part of their plans.
First of all, it is undeniable that education is as fundamental as our right to live. The most important reason is that education allows people a higher chance of better employment through the equipment of theoretical knowledge as well as practical techniques. In the modern and highly competitive world, besides the ability to read and write, almost all jobs require employees to have necessary skills concerning the working position, which is usually only taught at schools, university or training centers.
Secondly, people who receive an adequate education will more likely create a greater impact to the society, both socially and economically. On the one hand, with the access to more information, they will be able to make more rational decisions. On the other hand, the knowledge and skills that they gained from schools and universities will give them the advantages to accomplish complicated tasks, resulting in possibly higher income.
However, many consider that other values should be put at the priority, rather than education. For instance, South Korea with the army or some Africa countries with their oil industry. In my opinion, this is not a sustainable development, because once the natural resources run out, eventually they will fall back to the poverty.
In conclusion, if a country wants to grow sustainably, it is undoubtedly it must prioritize education, because human is the best resource in the world."

TOEFL listening lectures: Why is herring healthier for us than tuna?
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Fouryz
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Re: A government's main priority is to provide education for its people #2 (permalink) Tue Oct 03, 2017 19:35 pm   Re: A government's main priority is to provide education for its people
 

Hi, I really enjoyed this essay. Your ideas are very persuasive and your vocabulary and transitions relate your ideas effectively and guide the reader through your essay.
You do have a few minor errors in usage, but they don't hinder my understanding very much at all. I wonder if your conclusion might be too short? If so, you would probably have to replace your third body paragraph with a longer conclusion. Personally,
I like how you have done it, but the official graders might have a different expectation.
Overall, I think this is worthy of a band 7 score.

Fouryz wrote:
This is an IELTS topic that I have written on,
"A government's main priority is to provide education for its people"

Here is my answer,
"To receive sufficient education is the basic right and need of any civilian from any country. With proper knowledge and skills, people can maximize their contribution to their nations, especially in developing countries where there is enormous potential to grow. Hence, I strongly believe that government[s ] should always put education at first as a crucial part of their plans. {you put something first - "at first" is only used for time- "at first I was afraid, I was petrified ..."}
First of all, it is undeniable that education is as fundamental as our right to live. The most important reason is that education allows people a higher chance of better employment through the equipment of theoretical knowledge as well as practical techniques. {this seems like two separate topic sentences - is the main point of this paragraph that education is a human right or that education helps people get good jobs? I think these are two separate points. I would make the second sentence your topic and delete the first, as it would be harder to prove I think} In the modern and highly competitive world, besides the ability to read and write, almost all jobs require employees to have necessary skills concerning the[ir] working position, "working position" sounds odd here - try "skills necessary to fulfill their particular roles ..."} which [are] usually only taught at schools, university or training centers.
Secondly, people who receive an adequate education will more likely create a greater impact to the society,{"create an impact" sounds a little unnatural - generally we have an impact or make an impact} both socially and economically. On the one hand, with the access to more information, they will be able to make more rational decisions. On the other hand, {usually on the one hand / on the other hand is used to show contrast, not addition - I would choose a different transition here} the knowledge and skills that they gained from schools and universities will give them the advantages to accomplish complicated tasks, resulting in possibly higher income.
However, many consider that other values should be put at the priority, {"put at the priority" sounds somewhat unnatural - generally something is given/granted priority, or we make something a priority} rather than education. For instance, South Korea with [its] army {maybe North Korea is a better example?} or some [African] countries with their oil industry. In my opinion, this is not a sustainable development, because once the natural resources run out, eventually they will fall back [into] poverty. {this is a great rebuttal to your oil industry example, but does not apply to your army example - maybe add "and a military, no matter how large, cannot support an entire economy."
In conclusion, if a country wants to grow sustainably, it is undoubtedly it must prioritize education, because human[s are] the best resource in the world."

TOEFL listening lectures: Why is herring healthier for us than tuna?
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A government's main priority is to provide education for its people #3 (permalink) Thu Oct 05, 2017 3:50 am   A government's main priority is to provide education for its people
 

Many thanks, Luschen
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Woaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!
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Fouryz
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 05 Mar 2012
Posts: 266
Location: Viet Nam

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