 #2 (permalink) Thu Oct 05, 2017 22:25 pm Re: why prefer house or apartment |
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Hi, I thought this was ok, but perhaps not as good as some of your other essays.
Try to balance out your paragraphs a little more, it's not good to have one body paragraph so much longer than the other one. You have some good ideas and your structure is good, but I thought your introduction could be better and some of your word choices could be improved. Here are some specific suggestions:
| Ielts.1980 wrote: | It is an essay of IELTS writing 2
| Quote: | Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more advantages to living in an apartment. Are there more advantages than disadvantages of living in a house compared with living in an apartment?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words. |
[Certain] People spend their a big amount of {better to say "a huge portion of their salary"} salary for a neat and clean {why neat and clean? an apartment can be neat and clean as well.
try not to introduce additional information that is not in the prompt} home {an apartment can be a home as well. a house describes a type of building while a home is where a family lives, no matter what it physically looks like} to live while somebody prefers {"while others prefer" is better} an apartment instead of a house and vice versa. {this vice versa is redundant - to use vice versa you would say "some people prefer houses over apartments and vice versa"} This choice depends on [one's] preference of how much space they want, how much noise they can tolerate, how much responsibility they want to take etc.{avoid using abbreviations - try "and so on"} In this writing, I will describe the advantages and disadvantages of both types of residential place {better to say "residences"} in the following paragraphs.
In general, there are many apartments in a building who share [a ]common staircase and lifts, and live very near to each {or "very close to each other"} other. {I don't think giving a definition of an apartment works as a topic sentence here - your topic sentence should mention that apartment living has some advantages and disadvantages} As a result, heavy noises {noises are "loud" or "soft", not really heavy or you could say "disturbing" or "irritating"} are expected in those regions and those who live in an apartment they should be able to tolerate these noises. In addition,{here you need to use a transition showing contrast, as you are moving from a disadvantage to an advantage - so "On the other hand" would be better} they have a chance of regular conversation with neighbors which increases friendship and social activities. These activities can reduce tensions, depression from the society {"depression from the society" is a little vague, also aren't your neighbors part of society? } and improve [one's] health and psychological condition. For example, I am living in an apartment and almost everyday {"every day" - everyday is an adjective} a face-to-face conversation is made between my next door neighbour and me. This makes us more comfortable with each other and helps [us] to be [good friends]. As a result, our outdoor activities {don't focus on outdoor activities - you need to mention apartment living to tie this example back to the prompt} make us refresh while we were tired of the job.
On the other hand, a house has big space including [a ]backyard where small children can play with their parents. Though they have less chance of having contact with neighbors, it can be reduced [increased] by visiting [the] house[s of those living nearby] {or "their neighbors' houses", but I wanted to avoid repetition}. Moreover, {once again, this is the wrong type of transition - try "With that said, "} an apartment is cheaper than a house and need less maintenance such as cutting grass is required for a house but not for an apartment. {you need to phrase this differently - this paragraph is about houses, so you need to give the disadvantages of houses - "A house is more expensive than an apartment and requires more maintenance such as cutting the grass and fixing and maintaining appliances and structural elements such as windows and doors."}
In conclusion, those who prefer less [noise], [a] big space with a backyard, [and] more freedom than he can choose a house over an apartment. Those who prefer cheaper accommodation, less maintenance, but can tolerate possible noises [will] prefer an apartment.
TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a marine biology class |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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