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Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money



 
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Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money #1 (permalink) Fri Oct 06, 2017 13:20 pm   Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money
 

It is written for the IELTS writing task 2. Could you please review it?

Quote:
Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?
Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

You should write at least 250 words.

The entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, and sports stars are considered as the icon of a country and idol to many followers. Those iconic entertainers are paid a high salary while other non-popular entertainers are paid a very low salary. On the other hand, the people who are working for a better society for example teachers, doctors, and social activists are paid a very small salary compare to those highly paid entertainers. In the following paragraphs, I will explain about this salary difference and the impact in my point of view.

To achieve the stage of an icon of a country, the entertainers have passed a very difficult and long path which is not achievable for many entertainers. Only few can get that stage and they have high demand to his followers. To keep this stage, they have to maintain their quality of work and at the same time social status. For this reason, they need a high salary. For example, some days ago a concert was been organized in a stadium and all tickets were been sold out. That is mean there were more than ten thousand peoples in that concert, so the entertainer of that concert could claim a high salary.

However, we need to understand that does this payment for the entertainment help us to make our society better. The answer in most of the case is no. So we should not invest money for their high salary, rather we can share the money from the concert for other non-popular or new entertainer to support their works. At the same time, the effective characters for improving our society such as teachers, doctors, and social activists should be paid a sound salary so that they can lead a good life and give his best service to the society.

TOEFL listening lectures: Which aspect of bee behavior does the professor mainly discuss?
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

Re: Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money #2 (permalink) Fri Oct 06, 2017 15:22 pm   Re: Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money
 

Hi Ielts, parts of this essay were a little confusing to me. I think overall you may have the wrong format. You gave the reasons why entertainers should make a lot of money and the reasons why they shouldn't. But this isn't an "advantages/disadvantages" or "discuss both sides" type prompt. So your first body paragraph should discuss why you agree or disagree (which one you picked should have been stated in your thesis), and the second body paragraph discuss what jobs should be highly paid. You sort of got this second paragraph right, but you started off still talking about entertainers, so it wasn't as effective as it could have been. If your thesis is not quite right, like in this essay, it gets your whole essay started off on the wrong foot and makes it harder for the reader to follow your argument. Here are some specific suggestions:

Ielts.1980 wrote:
It is written for the IELTS writing task 2. Could you please review it?

Quote:
Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?
Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

You should write at least 250 words.

The entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, and sports stars {try to paraphrase instead of copying words directly from the prompt - maybe "Celebrities in fields such as music, movies, and sports ..."} are considered as the icon[s ] of a country and [idols] to many followers. Those iconic entertainers are paid a high salary while other non-popular entertainers are paid a very low salary. {don't talk about how some entertainers are paid low salaries - it contradicts the prompt and is unnecessary and distracting here} On the other hand, the people who are working for a better society[,] for example teachers, doctors, and social activists[,] are paid a very small salary [compared] to those highly paid entertainers.{you can say "stars" to avoid repeating the prompt} In the following paragraphs, I will explain about this salary difference and [its] impact in my point of view. {this introduction never directly addresses whether you think entertainers are paid "too much" money. You say there is a salary difference and you will explain it, but that does not really answer the prompt's question}

To achieve the stage [status] {stage is ok, but it seems like you might be talking about a performer on a stage - so status seems better} of an icon of a country, the entertainers have passed a very difficult and long path which is not achievable for many entertainers. Only [a ]few can get that stage and they have high demand to [their] followers. {this is awkward - maybe "they are highly esteemed by their followers" or "they are in great demand."} To [retain this fame],{not repeating key words is important to improving your lexical resource score} they have to maintain their quality of work and at the same time social status. For this reason, they need a high salary. For example, some days ago a concert was [being] organized in a stadium and all tickets [had] been sold out. That [means] there were more than ten thousand [people at] that concert, so the entertainer of that concert [singer] could claim a high salary. {this paragraph is a little confusing. It sounds like you are saying it takes a lot of money to maintain the lifestyle celebrities must have to remain famous. But your example shows that celebrities make a lot of money because so many people are willing to pay to see them. These seem like two different points, or maybe I didn't understand your main point in this paragraph}

However, we need to understand [whether] this payment for the entertainment [helps] us to make our society better. The answer in most [cases] is no. So we should not invest money for their high salary, rather we can share the money from the concert for other non-popular or new entertainer[s ] to support their [work]. {once again, I think introducing low-paid entertainers just confuses the issue} At the same time, the effective characters {"characters" sounds odd here - maybe "workers"} for improving our society such as teachers, doctors, and social activists should be paid a sound salary so that they can lead [good lives] and give [their] best service to the society.

{I think you need to add a stand alone conclusion - I don't really see a good summary here}

TOEFL listening lectures: Which aspect of bee behavior does the professor mainly discuss?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money #3 (permalink) Fri Oct 06, 2017 21:32 pm   Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money
 

Thank you, Luschen, for your suggestions. I am trying to follow your suggestions.
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

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