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More And More People Visit Dangerous Places



 
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More And More People Visit Dangerous Places #1 (permalink) Sat Oct 07, 2017 13:07 pm   More And More People Visit Dangerous Places
 

It is written for IELTS writing task 2. Could you please review it?

Quote:
Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert or the Antarctic?

What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit such places?

Visiting the world is a very effective and good way of learning and entertaining oneself that gives a real-life experience. Nowadays tourists are choosing more challenging places such as Sahara desert, Amazon forest, and the Antartic to get more thrilling experience and also show their courage. Sometimes this kind of places could be deadly for the visitors that need to consider when someone planning to visit there. Here we will explain benefits and disadvantages of choosing such challenging and difficults places for visiting briefly.

In this world of the internet era, many youngers try to be a hero that is different from others in the society. Some of them choosing the tourism as their source of becoming hero where they choose some very challenging places for their visits. It gives a great enjoyment and charming experience to them. At the same time, much new knowledge is discovered and many peoples are amused by watching their shared videos of visiting places.

On the flip side, there are also some deadly conditions of this kind of visits. Since these are very remote areas and worse environment conditions, if any accident occurs there will be less chance to rescue them. As a result, many visitors are untraced while they are visiting those areas. They are thought as dead after searching some days. On the other hand, the animals are disturbed by the increased visitors which is a treat to their existence and same to the plants as well.

In sum up, this is necessary to visit these challenging areas to find out more knowledge but need to consider the proper training for life safety reason and also monitor visitors so that they couldn't be a treat to the animals or environments of these places.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university professors
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

Re: More And More People Visit Dangerous Places #2 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:36 am   Re: More And More People Visit Dangerous Places
 

Hi Ielts, I think your format is good and the way you address this topic is correct.
You were good to avoid adding your own opinion, as the prompt does not ask for it.
Still, you had quite a few awkward or unclear phrases and some grammatical errors in this one. Here are some specific suggestions:

Ielts.1980 wrote:
It is written for IELTS writing task 2. Could you please review it?

Quote:
Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert or the Antarctic?

What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit such places?

Visiting the world is a very effective and good {this is a good chance to use "beneficial" :) } way of learning and entertaining oneself that gives a real-life experience. {better to say "... oneself through real-world experiences."} Nowadays tourists are choosing more challenging places such as [the] Sahara desert, [the] Amazon forest, and the [Antarctic] to get more thrilling [experiences] and also show their courage. Sometimes this kind of places could be deadly for the visitors that need to consider when someone planning to visit there.{this sentence give evidence that should be included in one of the body paragraphs, not the introduction. The introduction should only restate the question and give your thesis} Here we will explain benefits and disadvantages of choosing such challenging and [difficult] places for visiting briefly. {this is unclear - do you mean a brief visit, or will your explanation be brief?}

In this world of the internet era, {"world of" and "era" together sound redundant here} many [youngsters] try to be [heroes who are] different from others in the society. Some of them [are] choosing the tourism as their source of becoming hero {it would be "as their way to become a hero"} where they choose some very challenging places for their visits. It gives a great enjoyment and [a ]charming experience to them. At the same time, much new knowledge is discovered and many peoples {"many peoples" means many different ethnic groups, which is not what you mean here} are amused by watching their shared videos of visiting places [they have visited].

On the flip side, there are also some deadly conditions of this kind of [visit]. {or "these kinds of visits"} Since these are very remote areas and [severe] [environmental] conditions, if any accident occurs there will be less chance to rescue them. As a result, many visitors are untraced {"untraced" is unclear to me - do you mean they vanish without a trace?} while they are visiting those areas. They are thought as [assumed] dead after searching some days. On the other hand,{do not use a contrasting transition here - you are adding information to support the topic sentence, so use "In addition", "Furthermore", or another suitable additive transition} the animals are disturbed by the increased visitors[,] which is a [threat] to their existence and [the] same [applies] to the plants as well.

In sum up, [it] is necessary to visit these challenging areas to find out more knowledge but [we] need to consider the proper training for life safety reason {"for life safety reason" sounds pretty awkward} and also monitor visitors so that they couldn't be [are not] a treat to the animals or environments of these places.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university professors
Luschen
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Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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More And More People Visit Dangerous Places #3 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 8:43 am   More And More People Visit Dangerous Places
 

Hi Luschen,

Thank you for your details review.

In the first paragraph, I have tried to say that my explanation will be brief.
In the third paragraph, I have treid to say that they would be vanished.
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

More And More People Visit Dangerous Places #4 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 14:05 pm   More And More People Visit Dangerous Places
 

Ielts.1980 wrote:
Hi Luschen,

Thank you for your details review.

In the first paragraph, I have tried to say that my explanation will be brief.

{Ok, you need to put the adverb closer to the verb it modifies, either right before or right after explain: "we will briefly explain the ..." or "we will explain briefly the ..."}

In the third paragraph, I have treid to say that they would be vanished.

Ok, you are probably thinking of the idiom "vanish without a trace". Since this is an idiom, you cannot really change it without losing the meaning.

Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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