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Crime



 
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ESL Forum | Preparation for and help with the TOEFLŪ Test and essay samples collection
Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money | More And More People Visit Dangerous Places
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Crime #1 (permalink) Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:56 am   Crime
 

Dear Luschen,
Would you please correct me.I am writing for IELTS and I need 7score.
Tara

Every year ,the crime rate increases.what are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?
Every day we hear reports of increasing crime around the world and more money is being spent on the detection and punishment of criminal activity.
At first, we should identify the contributing factors leading to crime. Of which Poor parenting is one of the main reasons resulting to criminality. Children who rose in dysfunctional families always feel alienated from society. The other pivotal cause of criminal activity is using drugs and alcohol. Many addicted steal to fund their habits. Last but not least is prolonged unemployment; it is obvious that poverty is a reason behind crime.
There are some suggestions to solve or at least reduce crime .firstly, programmes intended to strengthen family values and providing decent housing are in top of list. Researches conduct that children who comes from broken families are more talented to commit a crime. The government can take some responsibilities by providing job opportunities and increasing income levels. For example, government can prepare affordable accommodation to colonize people with low incomes or free educational course in universities will improve awareness in society. Also Government is responsible to provide equal opportunities for people and combat with social injustice and inequality through society. In addition, judicial authorities would impose stricter laws to act as a deterrent factor.
In conclusion, there is no easy way to solve the problem of criminality. However, by strengthen family values and providing job opportunities and combat with social injustice and inequality. It is hoped that we will solve or minimize the problem in the future.

TOEFL listening discussions: Where does this conversation probably take place?
Tara 03
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 16 Dec 2016
Posts: 22

Re: Crime #2 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:52 am   Re: Crime
 

Hi Tara, your writing is not bad, but I suggest that you rethink your format. At first I thought you only had one body paragraph. Please try to delineate your paragraphs better to make it more clear. Now, looking again at your essay, the problem is that you do not really have a thesis statement at all. You go right from restating the prompt into your first body paragraph. You need a clear thesis statement where you address all the questions asked in the prompt. Really that is your main problem, but here are some comments on some secondary issues:

Tara 03 wrote:
Dear Luschen,
Would you please correct me.I am writing for IELTS and I need 7score.
Tara

Every year ,the crime rate increases.what are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?
Every day we hear reports of increasing crime around the world and more money is being spent on the detection and punishment of criminal activity.
At first, we should identify the contributing factors leading to crime. Of which Poor parenting is one of the main reasons resulting to criminality. {this is not a complete sentence} Children who rose in dysfunctional families always feel alienated from society. The other pivotal cause of criminal activity is using drugs and alcohol. Many addicted {you really need a noun here - addicted what?} steal to fund their habits. Last but not least is prolonged unemployment; it is obvious that poverty is a reason behind crime. {this introduction spends too many sentences talking about your supporting reasons. If you like, you can give a very brief summary of your reasons, but do this in one sentence. Maybe "Identifying the contributing factors leading to crime, including poor parenting, drug and alcohol addiction, and prolonged unemployment, is critical.} {also, make sure your thesis mentions measures that could be taken to prevent crime - your thesis needs to address the entire prompt} {ok, rereading this, I realize this is actually your first body paragraph, not the thesis - so make sure you have a clear thesis so the grader does not make the same mistake I did!}
[To begin,] {try to begin with a transition} There are some suggestions to solve or at least reduce crime[. F]irstly, programmes intended to strengthen family values and providing decent housing are [at the] top of [the] list. [Research] [shows] conduct that children who [come] from broken families are more [likely] talented to commit a crime. The government can take some responsibilities by providing job opportunities and increasing income levels. For example, government can prepare affordable accommodation to colonize {"colonize" is definitely wrong here - maybe "house"} people with low incomes or [provide] free educational [courses] in universities[, which] will improve awareness in society. Also [the g]overnment is responsible to provide equal opportunities for people and combat with social injustice and inequality through society. In addition, judicial authorities [should] impose stricter laws to act as a deterrent factor.
In conclusion, there is no easy way to solve the problem of criminality. However, by strengthen[ing] family values and providing job opportunities and [combating] social injustice and inequality[, it] is hoped that we will solve or minimize the problem in the future.

TOEFL listening discussions: Where does this conversation probably take place?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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