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Human activity has damaged the Earth



 
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Human activity has damaged the Earth #1 (permalink) Sun Oct 08, 2017 11:11 am   Human activity has damaged the Earth
 

Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

There has been a heated debate concerning the damage of the Earth which is made by human activity. In fact, there is a growing sentiment that put more emphasis on the importance of making the Earth a better place to live by the activity of human. At the same time, there is a solid body of opinion that dislikes the idea from the other side of the matter. In my opinion, I concur with the former for two primary reasons.

First of all, the growth of factories nowadays has made the Earth a harmful place to live. Firstly, we hardly see the blue sky instead it is a pollution air with much grey smoke from the factory. It makes our health, from the young children, the adults to the eldest, become worse and worse. Secondly, waste from the factory is taken out to the lakes and even banks of the river. The river is becoming polluted, we can’t see the clear water anymore and the people who live near there will be effective. A still remains an epitome of the argument set forth therein.

Secondly, the most important reason is that the litter problem has approximately increased in most of the countries. As a long time ago, the environment is still pure and even spotless but nowadays people are lack of awareness. When they are walking on the street, they occasionally carry a piece of trash on their hand after eating or drinking something, instead of putting it in the rubbish bin, they litter it on the ground wherever they are standing at. People seldom see the sterile street during most time of the year.

Some may argue that the two reasons above are not persuasive enough to demonstrate the statement, providing evidence that people have done lots of things helpful for the Earth such as planting more trees, inventing more electronic devices for preventing flood and so on. However, we cannot reach the conclusion that the two sides are both wrong without considering concrete examples.

To sum up briefly, we can conclude that human activity brings the Earth many damages. Fortunately people have recognized the point and I believe that the Earth will become a better place to live with our ceaseless efforts.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a dorm mother and a resident
Quang1997
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 09 Jun 2014
Posts: 66

Re: Human activity has damaged the Earth #2 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 3:11 am   Re: Human activity has damaged the Earth
 

Hi, when you restate the prompt you have copied words directly from the prompt -
try to paraphrase them instead. Your thesis here is a little weak since it refers directly to a sentence that does not correctly reflect the prompt. Also, you have some memorized sentences that you should stop using - like the "A still remains ..."
and "we cannot reach the conclusion" - those are very odd and confusing and I don't think there are really any essays where they would make sense.
Here are some specific suggestions:

Quang1997 wrote:
Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

There has been a heated debate concerning the damage of the Earth which {"that" is better here, as the meaning of the sentence depends on the clause that follows} is made by human activity. In fact, there is a growing sentiment that [puts] more emphasis on the importance of making the Earth a better place to live by the activity of human[ity]. At the same time, there is a solid body of opinion that dislikes the idea from the other side of the matter. {I don't think this is a good paraphrase of the prompt. In this sentence you are saying that some people argue that it is not important to try to make the earth a better place through human activity. The intent is not really the question, but your paraphrase does not make that clear} In my opinion, I concur with the former for two primary reasons.

First of all, the growth of factories nowadays has made the Earth a harmful place to live. Firstly, we hardly see the blue sky[;] instead it is [polluted] air {air is non-countable} with much grey smoke from the [factories]. It makes our health, from the young children, [to] the adults to the eldest, become worse and worse. Secondly, waste from the [factories] is taken out to the lakes and even banks of the river. {I think you mean the waste is dumped into the lakes and rivers} The river is becoming polluted, we can’t see the clear water anymore and the people who live near there will be [affected]. A still remains an epitome of the argument set forth therein. {please please please do no use this sentence. It is completely meaningless. What you mean is "This example serves as the epitome of my argument." - but I still would not say that.}

Secondly, the most important reason is that the litter problem has approximately {"approximately" does not make sense here - what do you mean?} increased in most of the countries. {only use "most of the countries" if you have already mentioned a group of countries} [A] long time ago, the environment [was] still pure and even spotless but nowadays people are lack of awareness. When they are walking on the street, they occasionally carry {are you sure they mean they carry it? Don't you mean that they immediately toss it on the ground?} a piece of trash [in] their hand after eating or drinking something, instead of putting it in the rubbish bin, they litter it {"litter it" is wrong - you litter the street, you do not litter something on the street} on the ground wherever they are standing at. People seldom see the sterile {sterile is incorrect and actually has a negative connotation here - a sterile street would be a lonely street with not activity or life} street during most time[s ] of the year.

Some may argue that the two reasons above are not persuasive enough to demonstrate the statement, providing evidence that people have done lots of things helpful for the Earth such as planting more trees, inventing more electronic devices for preventing flood[s ] {what are these electronic devices? do you mean tsunami alarms? This is unclear to me} and so on. However, we cannot reach the conclusion that the two sides are both wrong {what two sides? how can both sides be wrong? this is unclear to me} without considering concrete examples.

To sum up briefly, we can conclude that human activity brings the Earth many damages. {this sounds unnatural - it would be "activity damages the Earth"} Fortunately people have recognized[ this] point and I believe that the Earth will become a better place to live with our ceaseless efforts.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a dorm mother and a resident
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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Re: Human activity has damaged the Earth #3 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 14:07 pm   Re: Human activity has damaged the Earth
 

Hi Luschen,
This is Quang! Thank you so much for your suggestions. Just to clarify, the number of essays in the last few weeks are written by my sister. She is preparing for her TOEFL essay now. She borrowed my account to have a quick look over the forum, how to post a post etc. I just checked the forum recently and was surprised that she was really active in the last few weeks.I told her that it was better to have her own account. So I think she will be back soon as a new user. Once again, thank you so much for your feedback.
Cheers,
Quang Du
Quang1997
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 09 Jun 2014
Posts: 66

Human activity has damaged the Earth #4 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 18:23 pm   Human activity has damaged the Earth
 

Hi Quang,

Yes, I remember you saying that. I look forward to evaluating more of her essays. Do you think you could talk to her about that "A still remains an epitome of the argument set forth therein." sentence? She uses it in every essay, but it does not make any sense. I understand that this is a sentence she was told to memorize and use in essays, but she must have memorized it incorrectly, or more likely it was given to her incorrectly. She has not taken my advice to not use it. Maybe if you talk with her you can convince her. I am somewhat against memorizing set sentences to use in every essay, but if you do you at least have to make sure the sentence makes sense. Sorry, but this has really been driving me crazy ;)

thanks!
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

Human activity has damaged the Earth #5 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 23:15 pm   Human activity has damaged the Earth
 

Hi Luschen,

Yes, I did talk to her. I texted her this evening. I got your concern. I am not sure where she learnt the sentence, but I gave her some examples of how to use that sentence better. For example, the Vietnam war is an epitome of Vietnamese people strong will. I convinced her that it was good to start writing essays, but it is even better to learn from your feedback. I did make the same mistake when I started writing, just scanning through feedback without scrutinizing it. Thanks.

Have a good week. Greetings from the Netherlands.

Quang Du
Quang1997
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 09 Jun 2014
Posts: 66

Human activity has damaged the Earth #6 (permalink) Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:18 am   Human activity has damaged the Earth
 

Yes, that is a great example of the correct use of epitome. I am sure your sister is trying to say that the example she just gave is the epitome of the topic under discussion, but her sentence does not mean that, in fact it does not mean anything at all. Good luck to you in the Netherlands, I hope everything is going great for you!
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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