#2 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 14:51 pm Re: different types of works during work hours |
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Hi Mahdi, I am sorry, but I did not like your examples in this one as much as in some of your other essays. The supermarket job example was great, but the others were more about not doing anything at all rather than only doing one type of task all day. So those examples would be good for a prompt like "Do you think it is important to stay busy all day?" Also, the connection between Alzheimer's and not doing anything at work is tenuous to say the least! So I would modify your essay slightly:
Body paragraph 1 - Diverse tasks make your job more enjoyable and make the hours go by quickly - use supermarket example
Body paragraph 2 - Doing the same task all day leads to boredom, frustration, and eventually psychological problems - use your current job example, but say that you process these applications all day, not just one hour a day. Remember you don't have to tell the truth in these essays - change the story as necessary to make it fit the prompt as closely as possible.
Does that make sense? Here are some specific comments:
Mahdi wrote: | It is very important to do different types of [work] {or different types of "tasks" to avoid repetition} during work hours due to the fact that diversity of roles in your job prevents you [from becoming] tired and bored. {I would try to avoid 2nd person in formal essays - here you could say "in one's job prevents becoming tired and bored"} Some jobs have diversion in their tasks while other jobs do not have.{"while others do not" sounds better here} I personally like to do different tasks during work hours because doing the same job all the time makes me sad and desperate and [has] negative effects on the brain.
To begin, I think that doing different tasks in work hours is very interesting and [has] lots of positive effects on everyone’s soul. For example, I have been employed in a mine company since seven years ago.{"for seven years" sounds a little more polished here} Before I [was] employed here, I had a supermarket. {so you owned the supermarket? but they you talk as if you are a salesman} As you probably know, as a salesman in a supermarket {a supermarket does not really have a salesman, just a cashier or a manager} you have different kinds of customers [who] {the clause is "who come", so you need a subject pronoun - who. Whom is an object pronoun - "different customers whom the salesman helps" - the salesman helps whom, whom is the object} come to your store from morning until night. So you have relationship[s ] with different kinds of people. So {too many "so"'s ! ) I never had become sad and desperate while working in the supermarket. [Since] I have been employed in the mine company, I have just [one] task[:] to register different letters on a computer application which other employees had written them. {"had submitted" is better here} So I [sit] in my room all the day and lots of the time I do not know what to do due to the fact that registering letters [takes] just one hour a day. After seven years [in] which I have been employed in this company[,] I feel that I am very sad and desperate now and I want to [see a] refer to psychologist. As you can see, having different types of tasks in a job is very exciting. {this really only refers to the first half of your example, so I would split up the example into two parts} Furthermore, doing the same job [every] day may cause some chronic diseases and have negative impact on everyone’s brain. For instance, my brother is a [counselor] in a university. The university which[where] he works is not so busy and all the time he is always sitting in the seat and reading newspapers. Yesterday I and my wife {we generally put "I" last in the subject - "my wife and I"} went to his home for dinner. He told me that he has [Alzheimer's] {this disease is named after a person and so is capitalized} and forgets [everything] rapidly. He said that when he wants to come home he can not remember what he should buy [to take] home which [his] wife had said to him in the morning. I think that his job has [a] very important role in his problem. {I am not convinced! } To sum up, I think that having [a] diversity of tasks in your job is very important and [everyone] should think about different aspects of a job before employment or starting a new job.
TOEFL listening discussions: Why may Martha need money? |
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Joined: 08 Apr 2011 Posts: 8541 Location: Nashville TN, USA
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