 #2 (permalink) Mon Oct 09, 2017 20:38 pm Re: New Homes In Countryside |
|
|
Hi, I don't think your format worked very well for this prompt. See my comments below about your introduction. Then your first body paragraph basically repeats what you just said in the introduction. We already know what the problem is, it was given in the prompt and hopefully restated in your introduction. Now we just need to know what your opinion about this is. In your second body paragraph, you are sort of giving the advantages and disadvantages of each solution, but that is not really what the prompt is asking for. So really your conclusion is the only paragraph that really addresses the prompt. This should probably be in your first body paragraph and then the next one or two paragraphs can show why you hold your opinion.
| Ielts.1980 wrote: | Could anyone please help me by reviewing this essay, written for IELTS writing task 2?
| Quote: | TOPIC: In many places, new homes are needed, but the only space available for building them is in the countryside. Some people believe it is more important to protect the countryside and not build new homes there.
What is your opinion about this? |
There is a no doubt that most jobs are available in the cities of every country, so people are coming to the city from remote areas and countrysides. Since a home is a basic need, they need to accommodate which needs spaces to build new homes. {this sentence is incorrect and confusing - first who is "they"? then accommodate could mean meet the need or it could mean provide accommodations, places to live - oh, now I understand - it should be "they need to be accommodated" - watch out, changing the subject by using active voice instead of passive voice can be very confusing to the reader!} The cities are already congested and no [space is] available for accommodating {now it is repetitive - and you don't accommodate demands, so just use "for meeting new housing demands"} new house demands, the countryside would be a solution. In the following paragraphs, I will explain [briefly] how we can fulfill this increasing demand of house in my point of view. {this introduction was a little longer than necessary, but it still failed to introduce half of the topic - protecting the countryside. Make sure you introduce the entire prompt and avoiding adding extraneous information like jobs, which isn't really necessary. The easiest way to write an IELTS introduction is to paraphrase the entire prompt and then answer it with your thesis, which you have done. So something like this:
"Throughout the world, additional housing is crucial, but the only land that is vacant is located in the undeveloped outskirts. Environmentalists argue that these pristine wild areas must be conserved by avoiding housing development within them. In the following paragraphs, I will explain briefly how we can fulfill this increasing demand for houses while preserving natural areas."
Due to job availability, good education, and medical opportunities moved people [have moved] from the countryside to the cities. The cities are already overcrowded, [making it] hard to find the places for children to play[. Furthermore, ] {use transitions to make your writing flow better} it is nearly impossible to find empty spaces for building new houses for [newcomers.] To accommodate this problem, some people suggest to broke the [demolishing] old and small houses for making [to build] the [high-rise] building[s ]. While others suggest moving the new houses to the countryside.
Both of the solutions have some good [logic]. {"logic" is uncountable} For example, those who suggest for [the] countryside for the new houses think it will solve the space problem as well as [reduce] the overdensity of people in the cities. On the other hand, those who oppose to [using] the countryside think it will destroy the beauty of the countryside which is also not good in the view of protecting the history.
In conclusion, it is essential to need [find] new spaces for new demand and cities are already overloaded. [Therefore,] the best solution would be to go [the] countryside as it will also create [a ]job market and bring other modern opportunities to those [sites]. So by making laws for protecting the historical sites, the government can allow expanding the houses towards countryside which will serve both parties['] concerns. {this last sentence is really the only sentence that addresses the prompt well}
TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor in the College of Fine Arts |
|
|
 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA
|
