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Save your money for some time in the future



 
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Save your money for some time in the future #1 (permalink) Sun Oct 08, 2017 14:41 pm   Save your money for some time in the future
 

Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Is it better to enjoy your money when you earn it or is it better to save your money for some time in the future? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

There has been a heated debate concerning the necessity of enjoying your money when you earn it. In fact, there is a growing sentiment that put more emphasis on the importance of saving your money for some time in the future. At the same time, there is a solid body of opinion that dislike the other side of the matter from what they think is right. In my opinion, I concur with the latter for two primary reasons.

First of all, we cannot predict what will happen in the future. Money should be enjoyed for the present, but at least some portion of it should be conserved for future things. You never know what is going to happen in life and if you can afford a great adventure or things that make you happen, then you should absolutely enjoy it. A still remains an epitome of the argument set forth therein.

Secondly, we should save money for our emergency. In everyone life, there are some critical situations where money is main key for solving difficulties, as a result we should dedicate and save money for these kinds of situations. For instance, we may face some situation where there may be accident or some kind of surgery and saved money will be solution. By saving money we can avoid these kinds of disasters.

Some may argue that the two reasons above are not persuasive enough to demonstrate the statement, providing evidence that they should spend money and like to have luxurious lifestyle. However, we cannot reach the conclusion that the other people’ ideas are wrong without considering concrete examples.

To sum up briefly, some may hold the opinion that it is better to enjoy your money as soon as you earn it, but others have opposite attitude. It’s difficult choice faced by lots of people because of the different attitudes they hold towards money. But I want to say truly that everything happens by its natural, we do not know what, when, why things happens, just walk on the side that we think is true for your own.

TOEFL listening lectures: Which is a characteristic of realistic landscape paintings?
Quang1997
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 09 Jun 2014
Posts: 66

Re: Save your money for some time in the future #2 (permalink) Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:12 am   Re: Save your money for some time in the future
 

Hi, you don't seem to have as many grammatical mistakes in this essay,
but I still think it could be a lot better. Your first body paragraph is confusing.
Your thesis statement is a little unclear, but I guess overall, you are arguing that it is better to save, but in your first body paragraph you talk about how it is good to spend on a great adventure or buy things,
which seems to say you think it is better to spend now instead of saving.
All of your details should support your thesis unless the prompt clearly says "discuss both sides", or something similar, so don't include any evidence that supports the other viewpont. And I can tell you have memorized many set sentences,
but most of them don't really work in this essay, so they are very obvious and odd sounding. Plus, you still have the crazy "A still remains an epitome of the argument set forth therein." It sounds almost like it might make sense, but it definitely doesn't.
Here are some specific comments:

Quang1997 wrote:
Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Is it better to enjoy your money when you earn it or is it better to save your money for some time in the future? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

There has been a heated debate concerning the necessity of enjoying your money when you earn it. {well, the debate is more about when to enjoy it - right away, or later by saving it} In fact, there is a growing sentiment that put[s ] more emphasis on the importance of saving your money for some time in the future. At the same time, there is a solid body of opinion that dislike the other side of the matter from what they think is right.{this sentence is not really adding any information and seems too trite} In my opinion, I concur with the latter for two primary reasons. {which one is the latter? Make it easier for your reader by stating exactly what you agree with in the thesis statement - say that you agree it is better to save your money than to spend it right away}

First of all, we cannot predict what will happen in the future. Money should be enjoyed for the present, but at least some portion of it should be conserved for future things. You never know what is going to happen in life and if you can afford a great adventure or things {avoid using "things" - try to be more specific - here maybe "possessions" or "electronic devices"} that make you [happy], then you should absolutely enjoy it. A still remains an epitome of the argument set forth therein. {this sentence does not make sense} {try to add a specific example to this paragraph}

Secondly, we should save money for our emergenc[ies]. In everyone['s] life, there are some critical situations where money is main key for solving difficulties[. A]s a result we should dedicate and save money for these kinds of situations. For instance, we may face some situation where there may be [an] accident or some kind of surgery and saved money will be solution. By saving money we can avoid these kinds of disasters.

Some may argue that the two reasons above are not persuasive enough to demonstrate the statement, providing evidence that they {who exactly is they? the people who are arguing? It's a little unclear to me} should spend money and like to have luxurious lifestyle. However, we cannot reach the conclusion that the other people’ ideas are wrong without considering concrete examples. {this sentence does not make sense in this context}

To sum up briefly, some may hold the opinion that it is better to enjoy your money as soon as you earn it, but others have [the] opposite attitude. It’s [a ]difficult choice faced by lots of people because of the different attitudes they hold towards money. But I want to say truly that everything happens by its natural,{this phrase is unclear - are you saying things happen by fate? Or that everything acts according to its nature?} we do not know what, when, [or] why things [happen] just walk on the side that we think is true for your own. {this last phrase is unclear to me}

TOEFL listening lectures: Which is a characteristic of realistic landscape paintings?
Luschen
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