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encourage their children to take part in organized group activities



 
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encourage their children to take part in organized group activities #1 (permalink) Tue Oct 10, 2017 13:05 pm   encourage their children to take part in organized group activities
 

Could you please review my essay of IELTS writing task 2. What do you think, what band can it get?

Quote:
Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

The lessons at the early age are very crucial as they reflect over their whole life. Children should learn about how to control ownself and develop a good behaviour. Nevertheless, some parents think participating in organizing group activities would help to be mature and friendly to others that develop a quality of the leadership.

It is important to learn about control ownself from the early age of children which make them more tolerable to others. In this modern world, this characteristic of tolerating must require because it helps to accept different kind of people as friends without what is bad for the current diverse society. In addition, children need to learn to obey and respect the older for good reason and should protest against any kind of abuse activities. Therefore, they should learn how to acquire the good behaviour that help him to be a good man for the society.

On the flip side, some parents think if children participate in organizing group activities in their free time that help them to be a responsible person in future. At the same time, they will develop themselves with good behaviour which can be shown in those activities. Moreover, these activities are the best platforms to show their characters and if they do any wrong then parents have a good chance to correct themsleves by pointing their error. This would work as a practical lesson.

In conclusion, I, myself, believe that it will be best to encourage children to work for arranging group activities because it also serves for learning of occupying oneself.

TOEFL listening lectures: How would you describe the results of the Viking biological experiments?
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

Re: encourage their children to take part in organized group activities #2 (permalink) Tue Oct 10, 2017 14:37 pm   Re: encourage their children to take part in organized group activities
 

Hi Ielts, looking at your introduction, it seems that perhaps you did not completely understand the prompt. You have added extra factors such as developing good behaviour and being friendly. None of this has to do with the actual prompt.
The prompt is asking whether parents should schedule a lot of group activities to fill up their children's spare time, or the parents should just sort of let their children hang out and let the children figure out what to do on their own. So parent one says,
"Sally, I signed you up for the soccer team on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday and dance lessons on Tuesday and Thursday." Then parent two says "Sally,
go outside and play." Do you see the difference? Which parenting style is better? Instead your essay talks about tolerating others, and then obeying their elders and protesting abusive behaviors, without connecting any of these to the prompt.
Your second body paragraph is a little more on target, but you still don't explicitly show how group activities will develop good behaviour. Because of these issues, I think you would score a 4 on task achievement, which would drag down your total score.
Your C and C performance is pretty good,
maybe 7 level, but your Grammar Accuracy is pretty low - you have a lot small mistakes.
You have a good vocabulary, but you have used some words incorrectly or used the wrong form of the word, which would reduce your LR score. Here are some specific suggestions.

Ielts.1980 wrote:
Could you please review my essay of IELTS writing task 2. What do you think, what band can it get?

Quote:
Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

The lessons [absorbed] at [an] early age are very crucial as they reflect over [one's] whole life. Children should learn about how to control [themselves] and develop a good behaviour. Nevertheless, some parents think participating in [organized] group activities would help [their kids] to be mature and friendly to others [and] develop a quality of [a] leadership.

It is important to learn about [controlling] [oneself] from [an] early age of children which [makes children] them more tolerable to others.{I think you mean "tolerant of others"} In this modern world, this characteristic of tolerating must [be] require[d ] because it helps [one] accept different [kinds] of people as friends without what is bad for the current diverse society.{this last phrase is confusing to me - what is bad?} In addition, children need to learn to obey and respect [their elders] for good reason and should protest against any kind of [abusive] activities. Therefore, they should learn how to acquire the good behaviour that [helps them] to be a good [citizens] {try to be gender inclusive} for the society.

On the flip side, some parents think if children participate in [organized] group activities in their free time[,] that [helps] them to be a responsible [people] in future. At the same time, they will develop themselves with good behaviour which can be shown in those activities. Moreover, these activities are the best platforms to show their characters and if they do any wrong then parents have a good chance to correct [them] {"themselves" would be the parents} by pointing [out] their error. This would work as a practical lesson.

In conclusion, I, myself, believe {"I myself believe that" - no commas} that it will be best to encourage children to [avail themselves of] work for arranging group activities because it also serves for learning [to occupy] oneself.

TOEFL listening lectures: How would you describe the results of the Viking biological experiments?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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encourage their children to take part in organized group activities #3 (permalink) Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:51 am   encourage their children to take part in organized group activities
 

Thank you, Luschen, for your useful suggestions.
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

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