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Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information



 
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Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information #1 (permalink) Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:48 am   Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information
 

Could you please review this essay of IELTS writing task 2 and what band can it get?

Quote:
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree. Discuss both the views and give your own opinion.

The most difficult task in hiring an employee for a company is the selection of questionnaires based on which employer need to find his best fellow. It is a controversial issue that whether asking one's personal life, for example, his hobbies, interest, and marital status in the interview is appropriate or not. In addition, are they useful for the job or not?

Those who are against asking of one's personal life have some strong logic. One of these logic is that it is not legal to make the interviewer in an uneasy situation by asking their private life. Moreover, it is unnecessary for the job to know one's personal information, since they have no relation to the job because they believe the personal and professional life are totally different. There are some examples where some persons are good in his personal life and vice versa.

On the flip side, those who want to ask the personal information, they believe that it can help to understand sincerity, punctuality and offcourse creativity of the interviewer. These are so important quality that an employer has to know for selecting his team member for the profit. At the same time, the employer needs someone who will be dedicated to his company and will not be a problem to other team members.

In conclusion, I, myself, believe that it is most important to choose someone who is suitable for a company and not be a problem to the existing employees. For this reason, it is necessary to know one's personal life at the interview time.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture in the Social Sciences Department
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

Re: Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information #2 (permalink) Wed Oct 11, 2017 15:22 pm   Re: Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information
 

Hi Ielts, not bad, but I think your thesis statement could have been better.
The rest of your essay had an effective format though and was easy for me to follow.
Watch out for your repetition of words - reading as many English newspaper and magazine articles as you can may help increase your vocabulary.
I recommend npr.org a news radio network, because you can listen and read along with the transcript at the same time. Are you from Vietnam? - this is pretty long, but might be interesting: http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=552575164
Back to your essay, also watch out for the difference between interviewer and interviewee or applicant - it really changed the meaning of several of your sentences.
Here are some additional comments:

Ielts.1980 wrote:
Could you please review this essay of IELTS writing task 2 and what band can it get?

Quote:
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree. Discuss both the views and give your own opinion.

The most difficult task in hiring an employee for a company is the selection of questionnaires [employers use to choose from among the applicants.] based on which employer need to find his best fellow. {yours was a little unclear and "his best fellow" is very odd to describe an employee} It is a controversial issue that whether asking [for details of] one's personal life, for example, his hobbies, interest[s ], and marital status in the interview is appropriate or not. In addition, are they useful for the job or not? {this thesis statement is not very good - remember the thesis statement should summarize the rest of your essay. Maybe, "In the following paragraphs I will briefly discuss the reasoning behind each viewpoint and show why I think asking personal questions is necessary."}

Those who are against asking of one's personal life have some strong logic. One of these logic [such rationale] {"logic" is not countable, and try to avoid repetition anyway} is that it is not legal to [put] the [interviewee] in an uneasy situation by asking [probing] {or "asking about", but always try to use different words} their private life. Moreover, it is unnecessary for the job to know [the applicant's] personal information, since [it has] {information is non-countable singular} no relation to the job because they {"they" is a little confusing here - I think it refers to "Those who are against", but that was so far back in the paragraph - maybe "... the job, since one's personal and professional ..."} believe the personal and professional life are totally different. There are some examples where some persons are good {"are good" is a little vague - maybe "behave responsibly" or something else specific like this} in his personal life and vice versa. {the vice versa here is unclear - as written, the vice versa would mean "and some are bad in their personal lives" - you need to say "persons are responsible in their personal lives but behave irresponsibly in their professional lives, and vice versa"}

On the flip side, those who want to ask the personal information, they believe that it can help [them] to understand [the] sincerity, punctuality and [of course] creativity of the [person being interviewed]. These are [such] important [qualities] that an employer has to know [to select] for selecting his team member [who will maximize] for the profit. {if you want to use profit, you would have to say something like this - but I would just say "selecting the optimal team member." or something similar} At the same time, the employer needs someone who will be dedicated to his company and will not be a problem to other team members. {"... to her coworkers" - avoid repeating words like team members, especially in back-to-back sentences}

In conclusion, I, myself, believe {use "I, myself" when you just talked about what other people do, think, or believe and are emphasizing that you do, think, or believe differently or the opposite - "Most Americans think that English is easy, but I myself realize it can be quite difficult."} that it is most important to choose someone who is suitable for a company and not be a problem to the existing employees. For this reason, it is necessary to know {"learn about" is better here, or "come to know" - learn is a process, know is a state or condition} one's [their] personal life at the interview time.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture in the Social Sciences Department
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information #3 (permalink) Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:57 am   Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information
 

Thank you, Luschen, for your link.
Ielts.1980
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 18 Jan 2012
Posts: 70

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