 #2 (permalink) Mon Oct 16, 2017 0:47 am Re: The importance of celebrities to young people |
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Hi Mahdi, this is good, but I think you need to mention opinions a little more in your body paragraphs. Yes, reading about and imitating celebrities implies that you agree with their opinions, but it is better to state this more explicitly - "I bought the shirts Ali Daei told me to buy in advertisements." Show how his opinion impacted you. Also, try to avoid repetition of various words and phrases. Work hard to use different synonyms whenever you can. Here are some specific suggestions:
| Mahdi wrote: | Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Young people have different soul conditions {"soul conditions" is not an English phrase, I'm not sure exactly what you mean} than old people due to the fact that they [see]watch [the] world [as] more [fascinating] fantastic. {this is pretty abrubt, maybe add a transition - "Due to this, some ..."} Some [p]eople think that famous people {maybe say "celebrities" to avoid the repetitive people} have more impacts [a greater impacct] on young adults than elders while [others] do not. I personally agree with this opinion because I think that young adults are looking for a hero in their life and old people do not have enough time to read and watch news about famous [ones]. {maybe "about famous icons"}
To begin, I believe that young people tend to search [for] a person who is their ideal one. They like to have a hero in their mind and a person who they desire to be like that.{"desire to emulate" would be a good vocabulary word here} Therefore they like celebrated actors and singers more than other people. Moreover young people like to intimate [imitate] famous people’s behaviors to pretend they are similar to celebrated ones. For example, I remember when I was only eighteen years old I was very interested to watch soccer on TV. In fact I was [a ]Perspolis [club] fan {or "a fan of Perspolis club} which has one of [the] best soccer teams in our country. Moreover, I was a fan of Ali Daei who was selected as [the] best player in Asia many times. I remember that I read all [the] interviews from Ali Daei and I wore clothes like Ali Daei’s clothes all the time. I think that his opinion had a great impact on my personality too. {this is good, but you need to tie it to the prompt better - show that older people, maybe your father? were not interested in following this player}
Moreover, I personally think that old people do not have enough time to pursue news about celebrated [ones] and as a result they often do not have such tendencies. They are always thinking about their work and their children and therefore celebrated one’s {"celebrated ones" is a bit odd - maybe ok to use it once, but when you repeat it, it sound even worse - I could stick to celebrities, icons, the rich and famous, idols, or some other phrase} opinions do not have a remarkable influence on them. For instance, As I mentioned before I was a fan of Ali Daei about fifteen years ago. I got married when I was twenty[-]seven years old and one year later I was employed {"I was employed" sounds a little like you are not employed now - maybe say "I was hired" or "I got a job"} as a computer technician in a famous company. [Now,] I wake up 7 o’clock every day [to] go to the office. I work from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day[, t]hen I drive home. When I arrive home I am so tired that I want to rest and I do not have enough time to watch TV . Furthermore, on weekends we usually travel to our hometown city, Maragheh, [since] my wife’s parents live there and we always [spend time in] nature in Maragheh[, therefore] I do not watch TV [or surf] the web while in Maragheh. So [now as an adult, ] I do not know who is the best player in[ s]occer games and therefore [their opinions on various matters does not affect me in the least] {try to refer back to "opinions" from the prompt} they do not have impact on my behaviors.
To sum up I personally agree with this opinion that young ones tend to imitate celebrated [ones] and I think it is not a bad attitude. {so it is good to imitate celebrities? I would not raise this new point in the conclusion}
TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of Physics |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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