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The dislike and like from a person you know is planning to move to your city



 
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The dislike and like from a person you know is planning to move to your city #1 (permalink) Sun Oct 15, 2017 16:15 pm   The dislike and like from a person you know is planning to move to your city
 

Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: A person you know is planning to move to your town or city. What do you think this person would like and dislike about living in your town or city? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

City is a relatively large and permanent human settlement. People used to live together to do jobs, students go to schools, universities and colleges. Every city must have educational institutes, hospitals, recreational points, restaurants and all basic necessities of life. My pen pal is planning to move in my city. I am very happy and excited to get the news of her arrival to my city. In my opinion, there would be one thing that she likes and dislikes living here.

First of all, the most important reason she would dislike about my hometown is that the litter problem in public has been increasing. As a long time ago, my hometown is still pure and even spotless but nowadays people are lack of awareness. When they are walking on the street, they occasionally carry a piece of trash on their hand after eating or drinking something, instead of putting it in the rubbish bin, they litter it on the ground wherever they are standing at. People seldom see the sterile street during most time of the year.

On the other hand, I think that the joyful entertainment in my hometown would give her a huge impression. As she goes around the city, especially in district 1, she will find out the place that teenagers often visit with their friends in the evening or on the weekend. It is called Nguyen Hue walking street. Walking along the street, there are many wonderful activities that people perform in front of the public such as playing musical instruments, singing the music and so on. It also has a variety of food stands where we can enjoy the wide selection of culture food and interact with the people living there to know more about their friendliness.

In conclusion, there is much more to like about Ho Chi Minh City than not to like. My friend can get used to living my town in a short time and never want to leave it. From every aspect, it includes so many reasons to move here.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor mention Cygnus X-1?
Quang1997
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 09 Jun 2014
Posts: 66

Re: The dislike and like from a person you know is planning to move to your city #2 (permalink) Mon Oct 16, 2017 2:35 am   Re: The dislike and like from a person you know is planning to move to your city
 

Hi, I guess this is still Quang's sister? I think this is one of your better essays.
Thank you so much for not using that "A point is the epitome of the argument therein"
or whatever. This one seemed to have a good structure and I could understand your points easily. You do have a very basic vocabulary, which results in a lot of repetition,
and you also have some errors in grammar and usage. Here are my specific suggestions:

Quang1997 wrote:
Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: A person you know is planning to move to your town or city. What do you think this person would like and dislike about living in your town or city? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

[A c]ity is a relatively large and permanent human settlement. People used to {"used to" means they do not do this anymore} live together to do jobs, [while] students go to schools, universities and colleges. Every city must have educational institutes, hospitals, recreational [areas] points, restaurants and all basic necessities of life. My pen pal is planning to move in my city. I am very happy and excited to get the news of her arrival to my city. In my opinion, there would be one thing that she likes and dislikes [about] living here.
{I appreciate your creativity, but the first part of your intro does not really connect well to the second part. I would try to keep it all more personal. Maybe - "I was born in Ho Chi Minh city and have spent my whole life here. I know all the fun spots as well as the places one should avoid. I am very happy ... " }

First of all, the most important reason [quality] she would dislike about my hometown is that the litter problem in public [spaces] has been increasing. As a long time ago, my hometown [was] still pure and even spotless but nowadays people are lack of awareness. When they are walking on the street, they occasionally carry a {this "carry" sounds odd - it seems like you would carry something in your hand to throw it away later in the proper place. maybe "they occasionally toss a piece of trash on the ground after ..." } piece of trash on their hand after eating or drinking something, instead of putting it in the rubbish bin, they litter it on the ground wherever they are standing at. People seldom see the sterile street during most time of the year. {hmm, either I have read this essay before or I am getting a strange sense of deja vu. As I said before, "sterile" here has a bad connotation, and would mean a lifeless street, so maybe "sparkling clean" or "uncluttered"}

On the other hand, I think that the joyful entertainment in my hometown would give her a huge impression.{you "make" an impression} As she goes around the city, especially in district 1, she will find out the place that teenagers often visit with their friends in the evening or on the weekend. It is called Nguyen Hue walking street.{"pedestrian street" sounds better and is less repetitive} Walking along the street, there are many wonderful activities that people perform in front of the public such as playing musical instruments, singing the music and so on. It also has a variety of food stands where we can enjoy the wide selection of [Vietnamese] cultur[al] food and interact with the people living there to [get to] know [the friendly residents] more about their friendliness.

In conclusion, there is much more to like about Ho Chi Minh City than not to like. My friend can get used to living [in] my town in a short time and never want to leave it. From every aspect, it includes so many reasons to move here.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor mention Cygnus X-1?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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