Dangerous sport

[Tara 03]

Dear Luschen,
Would you please correct me.I am writing for IELTS and I need 7score.
Tara

It is becoming increasingly more common for youngsters to do dangerous sports .This trend has some potential advantages, although the flip side should not be overlooked.
Many people have extolled the virtues of adventurous sports, of which helping to increase self- confidence seems to be the main one. People who do extreme sports claim that practicing these kind of sports help them to overcome with their fears in daily life. A further point which should be underscored is that experiencing dangerous sports can relieve stress and tension. Another positive aspect bring out by extreme sports is lots of fame and money which help them to become a celebrity.
The picture, however, is not always rosy as there are a few unfortunate aspects; the main one is being risky and dangerous. Some people have got severe scars through the period playing sports and became unable for their whole life. What we can consider to be a secondary drawback is expensive equipment that burdens an extra expenditure on their life. Last but not least, students who gravitate towards these types of sports could not concentrate on their studies.
In conclusion, it is important to determine the merits and demerits of dangerous sports .Having weighed up the different aspects, I am of the opinion that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture on Animal Behavior by a professor of Biology

[Luschen]

Hi Tara, could you post the exact prompt for this essay? In the IELTS it is very important to answer the specific prompt type given.

[Tara 03]

Essay topics: Dangerous activities like extreme skiing, bungee jumping etc. and whether you support them or not.

[Luschen]

Hi, so is this the prompt?
Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?


If so, I think your writing skill is pretty good, though you do have a few grammar errors and a confusing phrase or two. Your vocabulary is also good, at the 7 level I think. But if this is the actual prompt, I think your task achievement score may be low. You have written an advantages/disadvantages essay instead of a simple opinion, agree/disagree essay. For this type of essay your thesis should say you somewhat agree, or strongly agree, or strongly disagree, something along those lines. And then your paragraphs should support that. Generally you will only give reasons supporting your viewpoint. Also, don't add extra facts in your introduction, like youngsters are the ones doing these sports. It is best just to paraphrase the prompt as closely as possible. But use different words, so you would not use "sports", you would say "risky activities" or "perilous pastimes". I think your coherence and cohesion score could also bring this essay down because the essay reads like a bullet list of reasons. - Reason 1 is this, Reason 2 is that. I think adding a more detailed example and mixing up your sentence structures would help your essay flow more smoothly. Here are some specific suggestions:

It is becoming increasingly more common for youngsters to do dangerous sports. {Try to paraphrase a bit more, and don't add facts that are not in the actual prompt. If the prompt does not mention youngsters or youth, you should not say youngsters} This trend has some potential advantages, although the flip side should not be overlooked. {this thesis statement is not really correct for this type of prompt}
Many people have extolled the virtues of adventurous sports, of which helping to increase self- confidence seems to be the main one. People who do extreme sports claim that practicing these [kinds] {or "this kind"} of sports [helps] {"practicing" is the singular subject this verb needs to match} them to overcome with {or "deal with their fears"} their fears in daily life. A further point which should be underscored is that experiencing dangerous sports can relieve stress and tension. Another positive aspect [brought about] by extreme sports is lots of fame and money which [may] help [the participant] to become a celebrity. {I think you need to go into a little more depth - I would cut one of your reasons if necessary, but add a specific example of one of these benefits}
The picture, however, is not always rosy as there are a few unfortunate aspects; the main one is being [risk] and [danger]. Some people have [gotten] severe scars through [accidents involving these pastimes] the period playing sports and became [disabled] for their whole life. {getting scars is quite different than getting disabled} What we can consider to be a secondary drawback is expensive equipment that burdens [them with] an extra expenditure on their life. Last but not least, students who gravitate towards these types of sports [can] not concentrate on their studies.
In conclusion, it is important to determine the merits and demerits of dangerous sports . Having weighed up the different aspects, I am of the opinion that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.