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The behaviour of the children



 
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knowledge gained from experience or knowledge gained from books? | How do movies or television influence people’s behavior?
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The behaviour of the children #1 (permalink) Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:20 am   The behaviour of the children
 

Dear Luschen,
Would you please correct me.I am writing for IELTS and I need 7score.
Tara


Parents are responsible for the behavior of the children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this day and age, there is an ongoing debate among people about the issue that whether parents should take responsibility of what their children do legally or children are responsible for their behavior. I’m of the opinion that, although parents are the first teacher of children but another factors should be taken into consideration.

People who believe that, parents are responsible for children behaviors have two main reasons. Firstly, as the first persons who children would see when he or she was born are their parents. They learn from their parents how to speak and imitate them in their social manners and behaviors. Secondly, parents should inculcate a sense of responsibility in their children and make them aware about the consequences of what they do .some statistics conducted that, lots of children who bring up in the dysfunctional family are more into committing a crime.

On the other hand, this issue can be looked at from a different angle. It is generally accepted that media have a strong impression on children. Many children get some aggressive behavior from TV and video games. in addition; children are in contact with their peers at school and may influenced by some badly behavior doing by them, For example, bullying, abusing as well as harassment of others classmates.

In conclusion, it seems that both groups have sound reasons for their beliefs. I, however, inclined that both parents and governments should take responsibility for what children do in their teen’s period.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social science class
Tara 03
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 16 Dec 2016
Posts: 22

Re: The behaviour of the children #2 (permalink) Tue Oct 31, 2017 19:29 pm   Re: The behaviour of the children
 

Hi Tara, unfortunately you have not really written the correct type of essay for this prompt. This is a pure opinion type essay - "to what extent do you agree or disagree".
You should only write about the side of the debate that you support. Instead you have written a "discuss both sides and give your opinion", which is somewhat different. Your writing is not too bad here, but it is very important to address the prompt properly.

Tara 03 wrote:
Dear Luschen,
Would you please correct me.I am writing for IELTS and I need 7score.
Tara


Parents are responsible for the behavior of the children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this day and age, there is an ongoing debate among people about the issue [of] whether parents should take responsibility of what their children do legally or children are responsible for their behavior.{this is not really the alternative - perhaps schools or the government should be responsible. It is better not to add extraneous information to the prompt in your intro - it is either the parents' responsibility or it is not} [I am] {avoid contractions} of the opinion that, although parents are the first teacher of children[,other] but another factors should be taken into consideration.

People who believe that, {no comma here} parents are responsible for children['s] behaviors have two main reasons. Firstly, as the first persons who children would see when [they are] born are their parents. They learn from their parents how to speak and imitate them in their social manners and behaviors. Secondly, parents should inculcate a sense of responsibility in their children and make them aware about the consequences of what they do[. S]ome statistics [from a research study] conducted[ determined] that,{no comma after "that"} lots of children who [are brought] up in [a ] dysfunctional family are more into committing [likely to commit] a crime.

On the other hand, this issue can be looked at from a different angle. It is generally accepted that media have a strong impression on children. Many children get some aggressive behavior from TV and video games. in addition; children are in contact with their peers at school and may [be] influenced by some [bad] {"badly" is an adverb, but you need an adjective to modify the noun, "behavior"} behavior [done] by them, For example, bullying, [abuse] as well as harassment of [other] classmates.

In conclusion, it seems that both groups have sound reasons for their beliefs. I, however, [am] inclined that both parents and governments should take responsibility for what children do in their teen’s period. {this sounds like you mean menstrual period - maybe "do in their teenage years"}

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social science class
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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