 #2 (permalink) Sat Nov 11, 2017 23:07 pm Re: what are the advantages and disadvantages of using CCTV to fight crime? |
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Hi Lishichen, another good essay. Once again, try to paraphrase a little better in your into and avoid the "because of some reasons". I think your conclusion needs to be a little more extensive. A good guideline is to shoot for at least three sentences in each paragraph. I think you are very close to a band 7, but I would still rate this a 6.5
| Lishichen wrote: | Hi Luschen,
This is my next essay. I learned a lot from you. Could you please rate this essay for me?
Thank you a lot.
Topic: what are the advantages and disadvantages of using CCTV to fight crime?
Nowadays, there has been an increase in the use of CCTV {I would use "surveillance cameras" here in order to avoid using the exact same word as the prompt} in public places as a measure to reduce crime. While some people believe that there are a lot of positives of using video cameras, others think that the negatives should be taken into consideration. In this essay, I will discuss both [of these] views of them.
On the one hand, CCTV can be beneficial for both inhabitants and countries. {I don't really like "inhabitants and countries" - maybe "for both individual citizens as well as countries as a whole."} The first objection {why objection if this paragraph is talking about the benefits?} is that video surveillance can help to protect us and deter criminals as cameras have been installed in many public areas. In this way, petty crimes like [pick-=]pocketing and stealing are considerably prevented since criminals conceive that they are being watched by authorities and police [officers]. Moreover, public cameras are significantly supportive tools for police [departments] {to avoid repetition} officers to detect suspects and catch criminals. By this way, they can keep cities safer for residents, visitors and workers alike, which will attract more travelers to visit the countries and contribute to developing [their] tourism industry.
On the other hand, many people might disapprove of public cameras [for various] because of some reasons. Firstly, it is said that this surveillance violates our privacy due to the [wide] use {"use" here is actually a noun, so you need to use an adjective, not an adverb} of public security cameras. In other words, people feel like frustrated as their movements are recorded anytime, which obviously restricts their individual freedom and [encroaches upon] their personal space as well. Secondly, it has been shown that investment in a numerous number {"numerous number" sounds a bit odd - "in numerous security cameras" or "in a significant/huge/tremendous number of .."} of security cameras for controlling crime is extremely expensive, which will be wasteful if they are not effective enough to stop crime completely.
In conclusion, there are both advantages and disadvantages of CCTV that the government should consider before using them to combat crime. {I think you need a somewhat longer conclusion. A one-sentence paragraph is not really appropriate. Also try to use different wording than your introduction - "In conclusion, monitoring public spaces with cameras in order to deter criminals has many benefits, but also significant drawbacks. These surveillance devices can be a useful tool for police departments. Still, care must be taken to ensure that citizens' privacy and civil rights are not violated by this technology."}
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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