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Movies and television have negative effect on young people



 
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Movies and television have negative effect on young people #1 (permalink) Sun Nov 12, 2017 14:26 pm   Movies and television have negative effect on young people
 

Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and television have more of negative than positive effect on young people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the modern world, electronic devices have played the important roles in daily life of everyone, especially the televisions. There has been a heated debated concerning that movies and television have the negative effect on young generation. However, there is a solid comment that they have the positive effect on us. In my opinion, I agree with the former statement for the two following reasons.

First of all, watching too much movie on the television causes an addiction on young children. Nowadays, children pay more attention to the movies broadcasted every day and they can spend a plenty of hours on concentrating the fascinating movies. There are some movies which take the children long time to finish watching, so after that they may feel exhausted and want to go to bed immediately without preparing their school works for the next day.

Secondly, the most important reason is that over watching makes the young people eyes become worse and worse. The movies often have many long series which means that children want to see the end of that film, so they waste too much time that they can do other useful and meaningful activities. Because of the bad effect, the young people’ eyes have the blurred vision that lead to their obscure future.

On the other hand, the movies also have good benefits for young children. The fact is that the movies give them more sources of knowledge and helpful information for their works also daily activities. For instance, when I watch the scientific documents on the television program, I know more about the wild life of the animals, the growing of plants and use it on my homework in the natural ways.

In conclusion, the movies and television have more negative effect on young people. They can cause the addiction for our young generation, also make the bad vision for their eyes and so on. However, we might not determine that television always have the unnecessary effects without giving the persuasive evidence in real life. Overall, everyone has their own ideas about the statement and the way they look is different from the other.

TOEFL listening discussions: A stereotypical toy means?
Quang1997
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 09 Jun 2014
Posts: 66

Re: Movies and television have negative effect on young people #2 (permalink) Mon Nov 13, 2017 15:53 pm   Re: Movies and television have negative effect on young people
 

Hi, I guess this is Quang's sister? Your writing is not too bad in this one.
But for this type of prompt, you should only argue for one side or the other.
When you talk about the opposite viewpoint in your third body paragraph,
it reduces the effectiveness of your argument. Also, make sure your topic sentences accurately reflect the content of the paragraph and make sure each paragraph focuses on its own specific reason. Here are some more details:

Quang1997 wrote:
Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and television have more of negative than positive effect on young people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the modern world, electronic devices have played the important roles in [the] daily life of everyone, especially the televisions. There has been a heated debated concerning [whether] movies and television have [a ] negative effect on [the] young generation. However, there is a solid comment {comment is wrong - maybe "opinion" or "agreement" or "consensus"} that they have [a ] positive effect on us. In my opinion, I agree with the former statement for the two following reasons. {so which is the former? I would just state exactly what you believe in your thesis statement}

First of all, watching too [many] movie[s ] on the television causes an addiction [in] young children. Nowadays, children pay more attention to the movies broadcasted every day and they can spend a plenty of hours on concentrating [on] the fascinating movies. There are some movies which take the children [a ] long time to finish watching, so after that they may feel exhausted and want to go to bed immediately without preparing their school works {"work" is generally uncountable} for the next day. {your topic sentence says movies are addictive, but your paragraph does not really talk about addiction, it just says they take a long time to watch. Make sure your paragraph matches your topic sentence better}

Secondly, the most important reason is that over[-]watching makes the young people['s] eyes become worse and worse. The movies often [come in] many long series which means that children want to see the end of that film, so they waste too much time [in which] they [could] do other useful and meaningful activities. {this sentence does not have anything to do with eyesight - make sure that each paragraph focuses on a specific reason, without any sentences like this that do not apply to the particular topic} Because of the bad effect, the young people’ eyes have the blurred vision that [leads] to their obscure future. {I guess this "obscure future" is sort of a humorous play on words, but it is a little obscure to me ;) - do you mean a future of failure or a future of bad vision?}

On the other hand, the movies also have good benefits for young children. The fact is that the movies give them more sources of knowledge and helpful information for their [schoolwork as well as for their other] works also daily activities. For instance, when I watch the scientific [documentaries] on the television program, I know more about the wild[natural] life of the animals [and] the [growth] of plants and use it on my homework in the natural ways. {"in the natural ways" is unclear to me - what do you mean?}

In conclusion, the movies and television have more negative [effects] on young people. They can cause [an] addiction for our young generation [and] also make the bad vision for their eyes and so on. However, we might not determine that television always [has] the unnecessary [unwanted] effects without giving the persuasive evidence in real life. Overall, everyone has their own ideas about the statement and the way they look [at the issue] {"the way they look" would mean only their physical appearance} is different from the other.

TOEFL listening discussions: A stereotypical toy means?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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