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Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fuel



 
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Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fuel #1 (permalink) Mon Nov 13, 2017 3:59 am   Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fuel
 

Hi Luschen,
This is my new ielts essay. May you please revise it?
I hope you enjoy my essay.

Thank you.

Topic: The best way to resolve the international environmental problems is to increase the cost of
fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

It is true that a plethora of environmental problems pose a dangerous threat on our beloved planet and its inhabitants’ life. While many people agree that the increase on fuel cost would resolve these problems, I am totally opposed this solution for a couple of reasons.

The first reason is that increasing fuel cost may slow down the whole economy system. As the tax imposed on fuel escalates, transportation fees surely increase, which has a negative effect on many fields. Firms set their goods’ selling price based on the accumulation of the costs, including fuel fees, that needed to produce these goods. Thus, when the government raises tax on fuel like gas or oil, it is obvious that food and necessaries’ price surge beyond the reach of ordinary people, who take a large portion of customer percentage in the whole economy system. This results in the reduction on profit of many production factories. No one would care about the international environmental issues if people’s basic needs were not met yet.

The second reason is that the money that get from increasing the cost of fuel would not be spent wisely on tackling the environment-related problems around the globe. To resolve environmental issues, the government would collect tax from fuel and then create some department to working on the problems. It would be normal in freedom countries like the US or UK. However, it would be worse to let the government take care of the budget in dictatorship-ruled countries like Vietnam or China. In these countries, as no one has enough authority to monitor the government, officers usually expend the budget on their personal purposes. The citizens just keep living in the air-polluted cities like Beijing without knowing where and how their tax is spent.

In conclusion, I disagree with the idea of increasing fuel cost to solve environmental issues because of the slow growth of economy system and the government’s corruption concerns.

TOEFL listening lectures: What aspect of Carl Sandburg's life does the professor mainly discuss?
Lemin1991
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 09 Jun 2010
Posts: 136

Re: Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fu #2 (permalink) Mon Nov 13, 2017 16:15 pm   Re: Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fu
 

Hi Lemin, I think you did a pretty good job at addressing the prompt in your essay.
Your writing is clear and you have given two relevant reasons. I think I liked your first body paragraph better than your second. When you state that some governments may correctly use tax dollars to solve environmental problems, I think it weakens your argument. I think it would be better to say in general that although taxing fuel to raise money to solve environmental problems sounds good in theory, in practice it will not have much chance of success. Governments will always be tempted to use the revenue on various pet projects, or line their pockets with the money. I don't think you have to separate the types of governments, as most governments are corrupt or inept enought not to spend the revenue wisely or as intended. But that is sort of a minor point I guess,
as your paragraph is still pretty effective. I think your main problem is repetition.
Try to use different vocabulary words and different sentence structures to give your writing some variety and avoid repeating the same words and sentence types.
Here are some other comments:

Lemin1991 wrote:
Hi Luschen,
This is my new ielts essay. May you please revise it?
I hope you enjoy my essay.

Thank you.

Topic: The best way to resolve the international environmental problems is to increase the cost of
fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

It is true that a plethora of environmental problems pose a dangerous threat [to] our beloved planet and its inhabitants’ [lives]. While many people agree that [an] increase on fuel cost would resolve these problems, I am totally opposed this solution for a couple of {"for two important reasons" seems more persuasive} reasons.

The first reason {try to avoid repeating "reason" in back to back sentences - maybe "the first critical point is"} is that increasing fuel cost {more repetition - maybe "that raising the price of oil and gasoline"} may slow down the whole [economic] system. As the tax imposed on fuel escalates, transportation fees surely increase, which has a negative effect on many fields. Firms set their goods’ selling price based on the accumulation of the costs, including fuel fees, that [are] needed to produce these goods. Thus, when the government raises [taxes] on [fuels] like gas or oil, it is obvious that food and necessaries’ [prices will] surge beyond the reach of ordinary people, who [make up] a large portion of customer percentage {"portion of percentage" sounds odd - either "a large percentage of customers" or "a large portion of the customer base"} in the whole economy system. This results in the reduction [in] profit of many production factories. {"production factories" sounds odd and redundant - what other kinds of factories could there be?} No one would care about the international environmental issues if people’s basic needs were not met yet.

The second reason {once again, add a little variety - "A second fact to consider is "} is that the money that [is generated] from {or "the money gotten from "} increasing the cost of fuel would not be spent wisely on tackling the environment-related problems around the globe. To resolve environmental issues, the government would collect tax from fuel and then create some department to [work] on the problems. [This] would be normal in [free] countries like the US or UK. However, it would be worse to let the government take care of the budget in dictatorship-ruled countries like Vietnam or China. In these countries, as no one has enough authority to monitor the government, [officials] usually expend the budget on their personal purposes. The citizens just keep living in the air-polluted cities like Beijing without knowing where and how their tax is spent.

In conclusion, I disagree with the idea of increasing fuel cost to solve environmental issues because of the slow growth of economy system and the government’s corruption concerns.

TOEFL listening lectures: What aspect of Carl Sandburg's life does the professor mainly discuss?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fuel #3 (permalink) Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:24 am   Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fuel
 

Hi Luschen,
Thank you for your comments.
May you show me "different sentence structures" that I could use?
I tried to use a variety of structures, but it is not enough.
Lemin1991
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 09 Jun 2010
Posts: 136

Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fuel #4 (permalink) Tue Nov 14, 2017 15:43 pm   Resolve the international environmental problems by increasing the cost of fuel
 

Hi Lemin, actually you do have a lot of variety in your sentences. Primarily, I was thinking of your two topic sentences - "The first reason is that ..." "The second reason is that ..."} I gave you a couple suggestions for alternatives. Another spot is in your second body paragraph - "It would be normal ..." followed by "However, it would be worse ..."

I would recommend something like the following. There is a contrast between "effective and transparent" and "closed and corrupt", but there is no repetition of specific phrases.

"An effective and transparent process like this would be normal in free countries like the US or UK. However, the closed and corrupt nature of the governments of dictatorship-ruled countries, such as Vietnam and China, makes such a policy difficult if not impossible to carry out. "
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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