 #2 (permalink) Tue Nov 14, 2017 16:03 pm Re: Job |
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Hi Mahdi, I thought this essay was pretty good. Watch out though, the prompt does not say anything about a high salary job. It talks about a "satisfying" job. So that would be something that you really enjoy doing, not something that pays a lot of money.
You refer to high salary jobs quite a bit, so the grader may think that you did not understand the prompt fully and lower your score. Your writing is clear for the most part,
though you do have a couple confusing phrases and some incorrect usage.
| Mahdi wrote: | Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
If people have the opportunity to get a secure job, they should take it right away rather than wait for a job that would be more satisfying.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Sometimes young people expect that [to] find a job with high salary and [are not satisfied] with an ordinary job [that] is secure. Personally, though, I strongly believe that a secure [dependable] job is the best one due to the fact that a [reliable] job brings [peace]. Moreover nowadays finding a high salary job is difficult and concern about losing a job [has] negative effects on other aspect of our lives.
To begin with, as societies develop, finding a job becomes a profound problem for lots of people, because technology has been bringing new devices which do our jobs. So, having a secure job is an opportunity. Consider an automated car factory in which automated machines produce cars. These machines are more precise than workers and [they] do not become tired. Therefore, factories need [fewer] workers, acquiring lots of benefits using automated methods for producing their products. {it sounds a little like the workers are acquiring benefits - maybe just say "fewer workers, as the automated machinery is able to accomplish more and more of the tasks, doing them both faster and cheaper"} [Furthermore,] In the past[,] [municipal] offices employed lots of workers to wash streets. On the other hand, nowadays machines do this automatically.
Apart from the point that I mentioned above, secure jobs [bring] quiet and calm. When one has a secure job, he is not concerned about losing his job even though his salary is not so high. He can manage [his] salary to take some [vacations] during [the] year to other parts of his country and he can also organize a trip abroad. He can spend all of his money to[on] his trips due to the fact that he does not have to [be concerned] about the future.
Finally, a person who does not have a secure job has lots of problems, thinking about his future even though his salary is high. {this second phrase is confusing to me - what do you mean?} These concerns affect other aspects of his life. He may become angry and have a collision {"collision" is incorrect here - maybe "not get along with" or "be at odds with" or "constantly fight with"} with his family as well as his neighbors. He may not [be able to] concentrate perfectly on doing his job.
To sum up, I definitely agree with this idea that having a secure job is better than waiting to find a better one, hoping for the future. {I think the second phrase needs to be more specific - "a better one, hoping the future will bring an ideal opportunity." }It has lots of advantages[,] some of which I mentioned in this essay. {this is not the best ending sentence - maybe a call to action is better. "It is fun to dream about the perfect job, but in the real world, I recommend settling for a safe and secure one." }
TOEFL listening lectures: Which fact is true of Edward O. Wilson? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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