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poor student behavior



 
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poor student behavior #1 (permalink) Sat Nov 25, 2017 12:13 pm   poor student behavior
 

Hi Luschen,

This is my IELTS essay. Could you please rate it for me? :)
Thank you a lot.

topic: Many schools these days have problems with poor student behavior. Why do you think these problems occur? What could be done to tackle these problems?

Over the last decade, many teachers have faced to more and more misbehaved students and these problems are increasing at an alarming rate. There are several reasons behind this phenomenon and some solutions are adopted to mitigate the problems.

One of the main causes of the problems is that many students nowadays are spoiled by their parents. For example, overly permissive parents always allow their children to do whatever they want and children gradually get used to parents’ indulgence. As a result, it is too hard to educate these students since they always tend to offend or disobey teachers at school. The solution is for parents to build clear boundaries to children and constantly refuse to meet children’s improper demands.

Another problem is that some students desire to gain attention at school because of their strong personality traits.This will result in bullying activities to drive their friends' attraction. To tackle this issue, schools should design several educational programs where children can significantly show their personality. For example, pupils at elementary schools in Vietnam often are encouraged to perform their talents like singing, dancing in front of large audience. In this way, children are given a sense of satisfaction from displaying their characteristics.

A third cause of these problems is that most students are early exposed to violent programs on television easily. By this way, they are more likely to imitate violent activities from bad guys on movies. This will lead to bad behaviors such as bylling, abuse with their classmates or even their teachers. Adressing these problems involves controlling watching television of children and spending time on teaching them to respect others.

In conclusion, there is a rise in number of badly behaved students due to the reasons such as wrong teaching manner of parents, showing-off personality of pupils and negative impacts from TV. This is serious problems unless we can address it, the education of children will suffer. My view is that the main responsibility for solving the problems lies with parents and schools.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor mention Mona Lisa?
Trinhpham0811
New Member


Joined: 10 Nov 2017
Posts: 3

Re: poor student behavior #2 (permalink) Sat Nov 25, 2017 15:25 pm   Re: poor student behavior
 

Hi Trinhpham, another good essay. I think you have addressed the prompt well.
Your format of one problem with its solution per paragraph seemed to work well in this instance. You do have some repetition, especially "problem", which would negatively affect your vocabulary score. And you have a few odd sounding phrases here and there.
Once again, I think you are right on the borderline of a band 6 or 7,
it could go either way.

Trinhpham0811 wrote:
Hi Luschen,

This is my IELTS essay. Could you please rate it for me? :)
Thank you a lot.

topic: Many schools these days have problems with poor student behavior. Why do you think these problems occur? What could be done to tackle these problems?

Over the last decade, many teachers have faced to more and more [misbehaving] students and these problems are increasing at an alarming rate. There are several reasons behind this phenomenon and some solutions [could be] adopted to mitigate the problems. {maybe "mitigate this dilemma" to avoid repetition}

One of the main causes of the problems {"maybe "of this troublesome issue" to avoid repetition} is that many students nowadays are spoiled by their parents. For example, overly permissive parents always allow their children to do whatever they want and children gradually get used to {I would add "their" here} parents’ indulgence. As a result, it is too hard {this is a good place to use a better vocabulary word to increase your vocab score - it is good to have a list of synonyms for hard - here "onerous" would work} to educate these students since they always tend to offend or disobey teachers at school. The solution is for parents to build clear boundaries to children and constantly refuse to meet children’s improper demands.

Another problem {maybe "hinderance to education"} is that some students desire to gain attention at school because of their strong personality traits.This will result in bullying activities to drive their friends' attraction.{"drive their friends' attraction" is a little odd - maybe just "to impress their friends"} To tackle this issue, schools should design several educational programs where children can significantly show {"showcase" is better in this context} their personality. For example, pupils at elementary schools in Vietnam often are encouraged to perform their talents like singing [or] {I know it is common in Vietnam to replace a conjunction with a comma, but it is non-standard and should be avoided in formal essays} dancing in front of [a ]large audience. In this way, children are given a sense of satisfaction from showing their characteristics.

A third cause of these problems is that most students are early exposed [early] {or "have early exposure to"} to violent programs on television easily{the "easily" needs to be closer to "exposed" - maybe "are easily exposed to violent programs on television early in their lives."} . By this way, {"By this way" sounds a little unnatural - I would stick to "in this way"} they are more likely to imitate violent activities from bad guys on movies. This will lead to bad behaviors such as [bullying] [and] abuse [of] their classmates or even their teachers. [Addressing] these problems involves controlling [children's television watching] {although "consumption" sounds better here} watching television of children and spending time on teaching them to respect others.

In conclusion, there [has been] a rise {a rise must take place over time, so simple present usually won't work} in [the] number of badly {"poorly" is more natural here} behaved students due to the reasons such as wrong teaching [the wrong manner of teaching by] parents, showing-off [attention-seeking] {showing off just doesn't really work as an adjective} personality of pupils and negative impacts from TV. This is [a ]serious [problem;] {this would be a great place for a semi-colon to show off your variety of sentence structures} unless we can address it, the education of children will suffer. My view is that the main responsibility for solving the problems lies with parents and schools.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor mention Mona Lisa?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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