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to address crime, prison or better education?



 
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to address crime, prison or better education? #1 (permalink) Sat Nov 25, 2017 14:51 pm   to address crime, prison or better education?
 

Hi Luschen,

This is my next IELTS essay.
This essay is quite longer than normal.
Could you help me to revise and rate it?
Thank you a lot.
Hope you enjoy my essay.

Topic: Prison is the common way in most countries to solve the problem of crime. However, a more effective solution is to provide people with a better education. Agree or disagree.

Many people believe that the provision of better education could help to tackle the problems related to crime much more effective than prison sentence. I disagree with this view, because I am of the opinion that both solutions have their own advantages and play an integral role on the safety of the society.

On the one hand, prison sentence can help reduce the crime rate and benefit the public in various ways. Firstly, putting offenders into jail would act as a powerful deterrent to others, and make them reluctant before considering committing a crime. For example, a burglar will hesitate before stealing precious things if he acknowledges that he may get arrested, and perhaps live the rest of his life behind bars. Secondly, isolating dangerous criminals from the society could have an immediate effect on making the community safer, especially in high crime areas. Finally, building more prisons could not be as expensive as investing in the education system; as a result, the governments could allocate a certain amount of resources for improving the public utility.

On the other hand, providing people with better education contributes to the reduction of crime rate in a much larger and deeper scale, compared with prison sentence. Rather than teaching about sciences only, universities or colleges would introduce lessons about what illegal activities students should not get involved in, or just how to defense their selves in a dangerous confrontation. In doing so, students are more likely to not only avoid committing a crime, but also know how to save their life. Additionally, as we may know, youngsters usually turn to crime to obtain money for their personal purposes. However, university undergraduates who receive appropriate education usually have the best job prospects, ensuring a good standard of living. These students would have no reason to take part in criminal activities. In the long run, the whole society could certainly be occupied by a plethora of law-abiding citizens.

In conclusion, to address criminal problems, building prisons is a stopgap and immediate measure, while implementing better education system is a long-term step that the government should take. Both of them are equally effective.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social science class (2)
Lemin1991
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 09 Jun 2010
Posts: 136

Re: to address crime, prison or better education? #2 (permalink) Sun Nov 26, 2017 16:17 pm   Re: to address crime, prison or better education?
 

Hi Lemin, very good writing once again, but I didn't really like how this essay was structured. To me, your body paragraphs do not really match your introduction and conclusion. I would expect each body paragraph to give a reason why education is not more effective than prison. "In the first place, education alone cannot replace an effective penal system because ..." "Furthermore, incarceration is just as effective as education due to the fact ..." Or something along those lines. To me, your body paragraphs answer "give the advantages of both prison sentences and education in reducing crime",
which is not really what the prompt is asking. Also, you have a couple phrases that undercut your premise that the two solutions are equal in effectiveness.
So I am really not sure what sort of Task Achievement score this essay would get.
It might be quite low. Here are some other suggestions.

Lemin1991 wrote:
Hi Luschen,

This is my next IELTS essay.
This essay is quite longer than normal.
Could you help me to revise and rate it?
Thank you a lot.
Hope you enjoy my essay.

Topic: Prison is the common way in most countries to solve the problem of crime. However, a more effective solution is to provide people with a better education. Agree or disagree.

Many people believe that the provision of better education could help to tackle the problems related to crime much more [effectively] than prison [sentences]. I disagree with this view, because I am of the opinion that both solutions have their own advantages and play an integral role [in ensuring] the safety of the society. {you always play a role in something}

On the one hand, prison [sentences] {try "incarceration" or "jailing perpetrators" or "jail time" for synonyms} can help reduce the crime rate and benefit the public in various ways. Firstly, putting offenders into jail would act as a powerful deterrent to others, and make them reluctant before considering {"reluctant before considering" sounds a bit off -
try "reluctant to consider committing"} committing a crime. For example, a burglar will hesitate before stealing precious things if he acknowledges that he may get arrested, and perhaps live the rest of his life behind bars. Secondly, isolating dangerous criminals from the society could have an immediate effect on making the community safer, especially in high crime areas. Finally, building more prisons could not {I don't like "could" here - it implies there is no possible way it could, which is not really true - I would say "would"} be as expensive as investing in the education system; as a result, the governments could allocate a certain amount of resources for improving the public utility. {"public utility" is unclear and incorrect in this context - "public utilities" are systems like electricity and water lines that are owned by the government}

On the other hand, providing people with better education contributes to the reduction of crime rate in a much larger and deeper scale, compared with prison sentence. {to me, this topic sentence makes it sound like education is indeed more important and thus more effective than prison - isn't "larger and deeper" more effective?} Rather than teaching about sciences only, universities or colleges [should ]introduce lessons about what illegal activities students should not get involved in, or just how to [defend themselves] in a dangerous confrontation. In doing so, students are more likely to not only avoid committing a crime, but also know how to save their life.{I don't understand how the self-defense part fits in - preserving one's life is not part of the prompt} Additionally, as we may know, youngsters usually turn to crime to obtain money for their personal purposes. However, university undergraduates who receive appropriate education usually have the best job prospects, ensuring a good standard of living. These students would have no reason to take part in criminal activities. {this is not the most convincing to me, as the young students will still be poor until they start their careers, at which point they will not longer be "youngsters". I agree that college students are less likely to commit crimes, but I think it is because they have hope in their future, while a hopeless juvenile delinquent feels like he has nothing to lose} In the long run, the whole society could certainly be occupied by {"occupied by" sounds odd - occupied sort of has a negative connotation, as when a foreign power occupies your country - try "filled with a "} a plethora of law-abiding citizens.

In conclusion, to address criminal problems, building prisons is a stopgap {"stopgap" also has a negative connotation - this also implies that education is more effective, as a permanent solution is better than a temporary one} and immediate measure, while implementing [a ]better education system is a long-term step that the government should take. Both of them are equally effective.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social science class (2)
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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to address crime, prison or better education? #3 (permalink) Sun Nov 26, 2017 16:42 pm   to address crime, prison or better education?
 

Thank you for your advice,

I have a question. Could I partly agree?
In this way, I can write two body paragraph about the advantages of both measures.
How can I do this smoothly?
Lemin1991
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 09 Jun 2010
Posts: 136

to address crime, prison or better education? #4 (permalink) Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:54 am   to address crime, prison or better education?
 

To be perfectly honest, I think it is safer to take a definitive stance. The prompt is asking whether education is the more effective solution. If you think they are both equal, that education is not more effective, you have to concentrate on the benefits of prison and the disadvantages of education. You could say that education alone will never be able to solve the problem of crime, that prison is necessary because even well-educated people can become criminals, for example white collar crime or educated people who lose control of themselves and commit assault or murder. If you argue the other side, you need to concentrate on education, saying why it is a more lasting and permanent solution - that incarceration is treating the symptoms, but only education can provide a lasting cure to crime. You have plenty of information in your essay; I just think it is better to choose one side or the other and let that guide how you present your information.
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

to address crime, prison or better education? #5 (permalink) Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:19 am   to address crime, prison or better education?
 

Hi Luschen,

Thank for your advice. I understand the prompt now.
I modify essay based on your advice. Could you please help me revise and rate it? :)

Essay:

Many people believe that the provision of better education could help to tackle the issues related to crime much more effectively than prison sentences. I totally agree with this view, because of some drawbacks of prison and the long-term advantages of the better education system.

There are various disadvantages of prison sentences in solving the criminal problems. Firstly, many people argue that incarceration would act as a powerful deterrent to offenders, but I believe it can be seen as using violence to fight against violence, which sometimes make situations worse. We just cannot make a law-breaker become a good citizen by using the violent way. Secondly, building prisons seem to be way more expensive than investing in education system, because the governments need to employ the most leading-edge technology to build up highly secure places. Finally, in some small-but-dense countries, building more jails would not be a good choice as they even do not have enough room for public housing.

However, the betterment of education system could help to reduce crime rate in a much larger and deeper scale, compared with prison sentences. Rather than teaching about sciences only, universities or colleges should introduce lessons about what illegal activities students should not get involved in. In doing so, we can raise awareness of a large number of hopeless juvenile delinquents about their offended behaviors. Additionally, if the governments could integrate education sessions in the prisons, such as a variety of vocational training, many offenders serving a prison sentence had a better chance of rehabilitation when released. In the long run, the whole society could certainly be filled with a plethora of not only law-abiding citizens but also potential workforce.

In conclusion, to address criminal problems, building prisons can be a stopgap and immediate measure, while implementing better education system is a long-term step that the government should take.
Lemin1991
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 09 Jun 2010
Posts: 136

to address crime, prison or better education? #6 (permalink) Tue Nov 28, 2017 1:42 am   to address crime, prison or better education?
 

Hi, I think your structure and arguments are much better in this one.
This essay addresses the prompt very well. Your flow is good too,
but you seem to have more grammar errors and vocabulary repetition in this one,
which may keep you from scoring at the 7 level.

Lemin1991 wrote:
Hi Luschen,

Thank for your advice. I understand the prompt now.
I modify essay based on your advice. Could you please help me revise and rate it? :)

Essay:

Many people believe that the provision of better education could help to tackle the issues related to crime much more effectively than prison sentences. I totally agree with this view, because of some drawbacks of prison and the long-term advantages of the better education system. {This thesis sentence is good because it gives a clear outline of the structure of your essay. Rewording it might make it more powerful though - "because the prison system engenders numerous drawbacks, while the long-term advantages of a better educational system are abundant and conspicuous."}

There are various disadvantages of prison sentences in solving the criminal problems. {it is really "crime problems" or ".. in reducing the number of criminals and the problems they instigate."} Firstly, many people argue that incarceration would act as a powerful deterrent to offenders, but I believe it can be seen as using violence to fight against violence, which sometimes make situations worse. We just cannot make a law-breaker become a good citizen by using the violent way.{"by using brutal methods like incarceration" might be better} Secondly, building prisons [seems] to be way more {"way more" seems too informal to use in IELTS essays I think} expensive than investing in [an] education system, because the governments need to employ the most leading-edge technology to build up highly secure places. Finally, in some small-but-dense countries, building more jails would not be a good choice as they even do not [even] have enough room for public housing.

However, the betterment of [the] education system could help to reduce crime rate [on] a much larger and deeper scale, compared with prison sentences. Rather than teaching about sciences only, universities or colleges should introduce lessons about what illegal activities students should not get involved in.{maybe "should avoid getting involved in" is better} In doing so, we can raise awareness of a large number of hopeless juvenile delinquents about their offen[sive] behaviors. Additionally, if the governments could integrate education sessions in the prisons, such as a variety of vocational training, many offenders serving a prison sentence [will have] a better chance of rehabilitation when released. In the long run, the whole society could certainly be filled with a plethora of not only law-abiding citizens but also potential [skilled workers] workforce. {"filled with citizens and workforce" doesn't really work }

In conclusion, to address criminal problems, building prisons can be a stopgap and immediate measure, while implementing better education system is a long-term [and ultimately more effective] {it nice to refer directly back to the prompt in your conclusion} step that the government should take.
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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