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My Story



 
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My Story #1 (permalink) Fri Jun 15, 2012 0:26 am   My Story
 

Hello,
I am glad that I have finally found a good source where I can learn English, take tests, and improve my writing skills. I know I am not a good writer yet I am still trying hard and hard to be perfect at writing (This is my passion). Sometimes, I really feel jealous of native English speakers, because they can write easily and take this language as granted and use their instincts whenever composing anything whether it be a story, novel, or just an article.
I wrote one short story few days ago and I thought why not have it read by other people just to get feedback and comment. I could have written it better but it was all I could write that time. I am going to paste it here for now, I would appreciate if you could take a look into my content and feed me with critiques, comments (positive or negative), and suggestions. I am very sensitive so I want you to be polite when you write anything for me:)
Thank you

What was that thing?
On one wintry night in December, I was alone at home and wanted to have fun myself. I was feeling a little thirsty; I headed to the freezer and took out a chilled cane of cold drink. I was about to take my first sip out of the cane just then the doorbell rang “ Ding-dong, Ding-dong,” it was ringing nonstop. I ran towards the door and was shocked at the impatience of the doorman. “Please wait I am coming,”, I said very loudly, but the guy outside didn’t want to wait at all. I unlocked the door and opened it and saw a tall boy standing in front of me.
“ Hello Sir,”, said the tall boy.
“ Hey there.”, I replied back. He was looking a little sleepy.
“ Did you order a Chicken Tikka Pizza Sir?”, he asked me suddenly.
“ Yes, I did,”, I nodded my head (to say yea) in agreement . “ Ok, here is your Pizza, please enjoy,” said the guy. Taking the box from his hand, I turned towards the kitchen and opened the drawer and my wallet was not in there. Oh, I had probably forgotten my wallet in the office. I checked my pocket and it had just 20 dollars and 50 cents. I returned to the door and asked him “how much for the pizza?” He replied “It’s 15 dollars and 99 cents sir.” Having handed over the note to him I said please keep the change and closed the door with a bang.

I couldn’t sleep that (Saturday) night. After I had filled my stomach with three regular cold drinks and a six-sliced pizza I came close to my window to see the brightness of the moon. It was very dark, assuaging, and quiet out there. The glittery rays of moonlight were passing through my window and touching the back wall of my single bed. I looked through the window and suddenly my eyes were staring the road, where the street lights were still burning bright decided to take a walk outside because I didn’t have to go to the work next day since I was off from the work. And I didn’t want to sleep at all. So I put on my brown leather coat and locked the room after taking my cell phone from the room.

Nobody was there. The street lights were illuminating the whole area and showing me the path very clearly. I started to walk slowly until I reached the end of the road. Should I go ahead or not? I decided in my mind and then took a left turn and walked down the trail. I looked up at the sky, the stars were constantly shinning and I was feeling very romantic.

I was feeling very excited, fresh, and energetic. I never sung alone in my life before, but that night I wanted to listen to myself, so I sang my favourite song “ You are just somebody that I used to know.” My song was echoing in the surrounding since there was nobody out there- no cars, no humans, and no hassle and bustle. I felt a strong crunch of sweetness in my song.

As soon as I walked a half-mile on the east side of Luminosity Street I noticed a little boy on the corner of the road. He was walking ahead of me silently. I was very shocked to see a small kid on the road even it was late at night. “What this kid is doing on the road at this moment?” I asked myself. Then I didn’t think anymore and took a few quick steps- in nine steps I was close to him, but he seemed to be faster than I was. He wasn’t running at all, but it looked as if he was taking big steps.

“ Hey, Hey, Hey,” “ Listen to me buddy,” I said aloud. But he didn’t stop there even though I was sure he had heard me asking him to stop. I ran towards him and yelled “Please look at me.” And then he stopped immediately.

He turned his face towards me and didn’t say anything. The kid seemed to belong to a poor family: his clothes were torn from many parts and his face was very dirty as if he hadn’t taken a shower for years.

Are you all right? I asked him. No reply from his side. Hey kid, are you listening to me? I tried my best to speak to him. Apparently, he was in some kind of shock! Maybe he had run from his home, I was trying to figure out what could the reason of his being outside.

I gave another try and asked “Hey, I will not harm you. Look I am your friend; you can trust me, Ok. I can help you, but you need to tell me what’s wrong with you. Why are you on the road at this time? You shouldn’t be here; it’s not good for you.” My second try also was in vain. He did not care to reply to my questions nor talked to me and maintained eye contact with me. I was feeling so frustrated by his behavior and thought to ask him one more time why he was out there.

“Look buddy, if you won’t tell me who you are and where are you from, I am going to call the police and tell them everything.” I said it with clear anger and I am sure he noticed it. He lifted his eyes up for the first time since we had started talking to each other, but he hadn’t said a word yet. His eyes were blood-shot with numerous tiny spots of black color;he kept staring at me with baneful eyes. At one point I thought that he would fire something from his eyes and kill me on the spot. I didn’t know why but there was a wave of fear running through my spine and sending signals to my brain that something wasn’t right here at all and I should run away. But I felt my steps frozen on the road and I was too close to him that I can notice his vicious and evil intentions. I didn’t know what was actually happening. I was trying to take my eyes off from his face and wanting to disconnect my eyes from his, but something was causing a hindrance. An unknown power kept me fixed on my steps and I wasn’t able to move anywhere else.

Before I could think of escaping from his trap, he shook his head and opened his mouth, which was getting wider and deeper with every second. Then he screamed in a shrill tone and opened his big wings- two black feathers were erupting from the shirts. He spread his feather and lifted them higher in the air. Knocking me down on the ground he flew away and I was watching him flying higher and higher just above my head.
San123
New Member


Joined: 15 Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Location: Fsd

Re: My Story #2 (permalink) Fri Jun 15, 2012 14:14 pm   Re: My Story
 

First of all, your short story theme is excellent!

To write like a native writer, you need to have read at least 20 best current popular
native writer books. I am sure you can write.

Look, grammar and writing are not synomous terms. Writers are different types of.
Their sense is much articulate than average people. Some writers have six sense as well. like: Shakespear or Hemingway.

I tried to check your grammar, few mistakes have occurred. But, punctuation and style that can help you by a good native grammarians, though I found a lot. As my first writing was published in a famous Bangladeshi Magazine at the age of 16, I dare to tell you a lot.

like: you could write

That sent shivers down of my spine, instead of cold, etc.

First, you have to find out your own weakness and strong side, if you can identify them,nobodies negative comments would harmful on you. Time will say what you are and what you will be----------go first. If I had known your age, I could have shown you more illuminating things.
_________________
Quazi,(47) an educationist, writer, thinker,& humanist for over 30 years.
Minhajquazi
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 05 Aug 2010
Posts: 869
Location: Dhaka

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Re: My Story #3 (permalink) Fri Jun 15, 2012 21:28 pm   Re: My Story
 

Their sense is much articulate than average people. Some writers have six sense as well. like: Shakespear or Hemingway.

I tried to check your grammar, few mistakes have occurred. But, punctuation and style that can help you by a good native grammarians, though I found a lot. As my first writing was published in a famous Bangladeshi Magazine at the age of 16, I dare to tell you a lot.

like: you could write

That sent shivers down of my spine, instead of cold, etc.

First, you have to find out your own weakness and strong side, if you can identify them,nobodies negative comments would harmful on you. Time will say what you are and what you will be----------go first. If I had known your age, I could have shown you more illuminating things.[/quote]

Hello,
I would like to thank you for being so kind in your words and I like the way you have explained things here. I didn't claim that I was a good writer:) I am just struggling and hoping that one day I would be able to write articles and stories without grammatical mistakes. Normally people learned English language from their school and college or through their course, but my case is completely different. I was a student of pre-medical where marks are given for your knowledge and accuracy of the information rather than on your writing skills. Yeah, I have bought a couple of novels from the market today. I have read just 20 pages of 'Night Touch', it sounds like a horror novel, let's see how this story goes for me.

I am only 22 years old right now:) I am a bit shy in disclosing my age being a female, but I have shared it with you, I hope you won't let the cat out of bag. Hahaha I would really love to talk to you in person, it's very inspiring to see a non-native speaker writing English so much perfectly. Can you please name few of your novels or anything that you have written, I want to go through your writing. I believe you won't mind it, will you?
Sana
San123
New Member


Joined: 15 Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Location: Fsd

Re: My Story #4 (permalink) Sat Jun 16, 2012 5:39 am   Re: My Story
 

My dear Sana,

Have you read "Of human bondage" by Sommerset Mough who was a premedical student and won a lot of fame by this nobel to the Europe and later whole over the world?
I am afraid, writer's name is misspelled as my browser is safari that is not like Mozilla.

I am not too good in writing yet or you can say I was afraid of to be a writer as it might have made me starving in our culture! That was why I came out with business degree as well as a Law degree later.

I have a lot of writing in the news paper in our language and some writing in English that you can find out here: my writing prototype page,
www.quazisstepinenglishgrammar.wordpress.com

Sorry, no nobel I wrote yet, but I am an avid reader of all types of famous nobels.
My English is not yet up to the mark as you say, but my maturity tells me what to do
in next!

I asked your age only for knowing the chances to be a good writer, yes, your theme is nice -start up- and write, write as you can---not for earning but to be a good writer, you will win-no doubt.

"Barnard Show" once said, you can't abuse an young as you don't know what will be he, but you can abuse an old as you know what he has done.

So? go fast.
P.S. Please follow the CNN and BBC at least an hour everyday, how they speak if you are not now living in one English language country, it will open your eyes what to do and that will also guide you how to avoid from-jumping into fray, as caliber people always face in their life.
_________________
Quazi,(47) an educationist, writer, thinker,& humanist for over 30 years.
Minhajquazi
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 05 Aug 2010
Posts: 869
Location: Dhaka

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