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Please help me check my essay (Violence control).Thank you so much!



 
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Please grade my essay... | Hi Luschen, please help me to correct this essay. Many thanks.
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Please help me check my essay (Violence control).Thank you so much! #1 (permalink) Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:58 am   Please help me check my essay (Violence control).Thank you so much!
 

Dear Mr. Luschen. Here is my new essay. Please spend time checking it for me. Thank you so much. Wish you a nice working day :)

Topic: The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to control violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this action?
The violent contents broadcasted by media have never failed to attract people’s attention and spark controversy. The centre of debate is whether movies and TV shows containing violence should be restricted, concerning their adverse effects on people’s thoughts and behaviours. It is my firm belief that the devastating influences of these scenes are overt, thereby should be well controlled by government.
People should first recognize that the prevalence of violent sceneries on films can lead to viewer’s inappropriate perception of violence, especially that of children and adolescents. So intense are these scenes that audiences may regard unlawful acts as an acceptable norm. western action films and Chinese swordplay movies, in which a character whose main work is using his amazing strength to kill evil doers is labeled as a hero regardless of his behaviors’ subsequences, could be taken as a telling example. Limiting the doses of violence on TV programmes and movies is thereby highly recommended.
Yet, perhaps the strongest argument in favour of this theory is that the ongoing exposure to violent contents can result in exact copycat suicides, fights, bombings, shootings, to mention but a few. The detailed reports of crimes on TV could accidentally become free courses for potential criminals. There is a possibility that young offenders can sharp their unlawful skills through observing and imitating these reports, which may be responsible for the increase at an alarming rate of juvenile delinquency.
The above mentioned facts have given one a glimpse of the reasons why movies and TV shows should be examined carefully before being made accessible to audiences. Not only do these violent scenes mislead youngsters’ perception, but, more seriously, they are also the primary driving force behind offending behaviours.
P

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor explain the history of coffee?
Nguyenanh92
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 28 Mar 2013
Posts: 46

Re: Please help me check my essay (Violence control).Thank you so much! #2 (permalink) Wed Aug 14, 2013 2:27 am   Re: Please help me check my essay (Violence control).Thank you so much!
 

Hi Nguyenah, I thought this one was excellent, one of your best. I had trouble finding any errors to correct, but I was able to make a few suggestions. I think I would rate this a 5 out of 5.
Nguyenanh92 wrote:
Dear Mr. Luschen. Here is my new essay. Please spend time checking it for me. Thank you so much. Wish you a nice working day :)

Topic: The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to control violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this action?
The violent contents broadcasted by media have never failed to attract people’s attention and spark controversy. The centre of debate is whether movies and TV shows containing violence should be restricted, concerning [considering]
their adverse effects on people’s thoughts and behaviours. It is my firm belief that the devastating influences of these scenes are overt,{"overt" sounds a bit odd here - obvious is more natural} [and] thereby should be {or "obvious, thereby they should be ..."} well controlled by government.
People should first recognize that the prevalence of violent scene[s i]n films can lead to viewer’s inappropriate perception of violence, especially that{"that" sounds like it refers to violence] [in the case] of children and adolescents. So intense are these scenes that audiences may regard unlawful acts as an acceptable norm. [ W]estern action films and Chinese swordplay movies, in which a character whose main work is using his amazing strength to kill evil doers is labeled as a hero regardless of his behaviors’ subsequences, could be taken as a telling example. Limiting the doses of violence on TV programmes and movies is thereby highly recommended.
Yet, perhaps the strongest argument in favour of this theory is that the ongoing exposure to violent contents can result in exact copycat suicides, fights, bombings, shootings, to mention but a few. The detailed reports of crimes on TV could accidentally become free courses for potential criminals. There is a possibility that young offenders can sharp[en] their unlawful skills through observing and imitating these reports, which may be responsible for the [alarming rate of] {it was ok, but this sounds better to me} increase at an alarming rate of juvenile delinquency.
The above mentioned facts have given one a glimpse of the reasons why movies and TV shows should be examined carefully before being made accessible to audiences. Not only do these violent scenes mislead youngsters’ perception, but, more seriously, they are also the primary driving force behind offending behaviours.
P

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Luschen
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Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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