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hiii, luschen, i come back again,my new essay



 
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ESL Forum | Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and essay samples collection
Hi Luschen, please check and grade my SAT® essay. Thank you. | This time I tried a very different writing style.
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hiii, luschen, i come back again,my new essay #1 (permalink) Tue Oct 08, 2013 14:12 pm   hiii, luschen, i come back again,my new essay
 

Reading part:
Many consumers ignore commercial advertisements. In response, advertising companies have started using a new tactic, calling “buzzing.” The advertisers hire people – buzzers – who personally promote (buzz) products to people they know or meet. The key part is that the buzzers do not reveal that they are being paid to promote anything. They behave as though they were just spontaneously praising a product during normal conversation. Buzzing has generated a lot of controversy, and many critics would like to see it banned.
First, the critics complain that consumers should know whether a person praising a product is being paid to praise the product. Knowing this makes a big difference: we expect the truth from people who we believe do not have any motive for misleading us. But with buzzing what you hear is just paid advertising, which may well give a person incorrect information about the buzzed product.
Second, since buzzers pretend they are just private individuals, consumers listen to their endorsement less critically than they should. With advertisements in print or on TV, the consumer is on guard for questionable claims or empty descriptions such as “new and improved.” But when consumers do not know they are being lobbied, they may accept claims they would otherwise be suspicious of. This may suit the manufacturers, but it could really harm consumers.
And worst of all is the harmful effect that buzzing is likely to have on social relationships. Once we become aware that people we meet socially may be buzzers with a hidden agenda, we will become less trustful of people in general. So, buzzing will result in the spread of mistrust and the expectation of dishonesty.

Listening:
Hi, my name is Bill. I was talking your professor in the subway about the greatest phone service Iused. And it turned out we both interested in marketing, so he asked me to talk to the marketingclass. You see I am a buzzer, part time you know. During the day, I am a student just like you.Now I had read that piece of tacking buzzing, it is really misleading. How it described buzzingleads out a lot and gives the wrong impression
First, it makes a sound that buzzing do not tell the truth about the products they are buzzing. That is not true. How buzzing work is this:companies find people who use the product and who really think the product is good. So, buzzing is not like ordinary advertisement when an actress is paid to read some lines. Yes, I get pay for telling what I think, but you get the truth from buzzers. I really do think my phone service is great. That is why the company hired me.
Second, the reading makes it seem that when a buzzer talks to someone, the person believes whatever he hear from the buzzer. Not true. In fact, the opposite is true. People I talk to ask a lot of questions about the product I buzz, that’s about the price, service and how long I used the product. If I don’t have the answers, they won’t buy the product.
Finally, if you believe what you read, buzzing will destroy civilization. That’s stupid. If a product is bad, the company cannot recruit buzzers. So, what you get from a buzzer is not only sincere, it is likely to be about a good product. If you try the phone service I use, you will get love it. So,people who try buzzed products are going to have good experience, so they will end up being more trustful and open to people.

my essay:
Tpo19
The reading passage is about three reasons why critics would like to see buzzing banned. However, the lecturer Bill , who is a buzzer himself, thinks the information in the reading passage is misleading and leaves wrong impression on the readers. He puts forward three reasons to defend himself.
First, as for the complaint mentioned in the reading passage that consumers should know whether a person is a buzzer or not since he may give incorrect information and mislead those people around him, Bill argues that actually buzzers are telling the truth about the products. He says companies use people as buzzers who really think their products are good. So even though buzzers get paid, customers still get truth. For example, he really thinks the phone service is great so he introduces it to others.
Second, the writer points out that some consumers listen to those buzzers less critically than they should. However, Bill says that customers do not always believe whatever they hear. To the contrary, customers raise a lot of questions., If buzzers do not have good answers, those customers will not buy the product.
Third, as for the harmful effect on social relationships, Bill thinks it is stupid. He says that if the product is bad, the company cannot recruit buzzers for it. Thus, the products being introduced to customers are truly good and customers who try the products can have good experience. Therefore, people tend to be more trustful and open, which will benefit the social relationship.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from an arts class (2)
Vivianmi
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 26 Apr 2013
Posts: 43

Re: hiii, luschen, i come back again,my new essay #2 (permalink) Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:52 am   Re: hiii, luschen, i come back again,my new essay
 

Hi, just to let you know, the transcript of the lecture you included has a lot of grammatical errors. I assume they were not in the original recording, but were added during the transcription process. Your essay on the other hand was almost flawless in terms of grammar and usage. I could only come up with a few minor suggestions, but I think as it stands your essay would rate a 5 out of 5 - excellent job!

Vivianmi wrote:
my essay:
Tpo19
The reading passage is about three reasons why critics would like to see [the word-of=mouth advertising technique called] buzzing banned. {you need to briefly mention what buzzing is} However, the lecturer Bill , who is a buzzer himself, thinks the information in the reading passage is misleading and leaves [the] wrong impression on the readers. He puts forward three reasons to defend himself.{"to defend his views" is better}
First, as for the complaint mentioned in the reading passage that consumers should know whether a person is a buzzer or not since he may give incorrect information and mislead those people around him, Bill argues that actually buzzers are telling the truth about the products. He says companies use people as buzzers who really think their products are good. So even though buzzers get paid, customers still get [the] truth. For example, he really thinks the phone service is great so he introduces it to others.
Second, the writer points out that some consumers listen to those buzzers less critically than they should. However, Bill says that customers do not always believe whatever they hear. To the contrary, customers raise a lot of questions., If buzzers do not have good answers, those customers will not buy the product.
Third, as for the harmful effect on social relationships [discussed in the reading] , Bill thinks it is stupid. He says that if the product is bad, the company cannot recruit {"company would not be able to recruit" sounds better, as this is really a hypothetical situation, but I guess you just went by what Bill actually said, so it is probably ok} buzzers for it. Thus, the products being introduced to customers are truly good and customers who try the products can have good experience[s ]. Therefore, people tend to be more trustful and open, which will benefit the[ir] social relationship[s ].

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from an arts class (2)
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8541
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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